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HR managers welcome the Fire Horse in 2026

"2026 will be the most auspicious year ever for us human resources managers," said a spokes-slug for the industry association, "because it's the year of the Fire Horse.


"The Fire Horse will clip clop across the UK's factory floors and offices, firing anyone who has just started a family, or who has had a bereavement, and replacing them with AI bots.


"Then the Fire Horse will accidentally set light to their redundancy cheques so we don't have to pay them off.


"Eventually, no one will be employed by UK firms apart from HR managers, and we'll have all the money.


"But if the Fire Horse even thinks for a second of firing one of us HR people, it'll be off to the lasagne factory before its hoofs can touch the sodding floor."



Hangover cures, 2026 update

Happy New Year. What?? It's the 3rd? Blimey, that was a session.

Don't worry, 2026 can't be as bad as 2025. Can it?


Here is our (belated) list of hangover cures, some traditional and some new...



1. A very large Bloody Mary. Aka just keep drinking. Good luck with that. You will eventually have to face up to reality by, say, next Tuesday.


2. Why not re-read the Labour Party manifesto? That should sober you up pretty quickly. The autumn budget statement also works, as does the Bank of England inflation report, and the Reform Party manifesto.


3. Alka-seltzer. If you think drinking more fizzy stuff is a good idea.


4. Drink bottled water. Not the Perrier stuff with benzene in it, or the Waitrose stuff with glass in it. Or old bottles full of micro plastics. What the hell? Try tap water. What could possibly go wrong.


5. Catch up on Trump's latest mad shit. Five minutes worth should be enough.


6. Eat a full English breakfast. The protein is restorative. The carbs will give you energy. The grease is the kill or cure ingredient. Take precautions before you tuck in.


If none of this works, stay drunk until 2027 when we'll issue an update.



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