Kwik Fit step in to ease NHS backlogs

Critically ill patients will soon be treated by a car servicing and repair company in a bid to cut waiting times. Reacting to news that people are sick of experts, the government has instructed ambulances to take patients to their nearest garage for spare parts, to have their blood drained, new filters, and replacement sump plug washers. Cheerful mechanics will offer brain surgery and open-heart procedures while-u-wait.

A spokesman for Kwik Fit said: ‘If you’re French or German there might a delay in getting the parts, but otherwise we’ll have you up and running again in no time at all.’

Superdrug ‘surprised’ to find they’ve been selling hospitals

Following new official guidance that any First Aid kit in a sealable box can be defined as a “hospital”, executives at Superdrug, Boots and other high street pharmacies have belatedly realised that they have been selling hospitals all along.

‘Our value range first aid kits are fairly basic’, a spokesman said, ‘but it turns out that two triangular bandages, some savlon and a packet of sticking plasters is actually categorised as a 400 bed hospital. Who knew?’

Sarah is a volunteer with St John Ambulance Brigade. She spends her weekends at football matches and village fetes. ‘It was a complete surprise to discover that our hut is now one of the Government’s 40 new hospitals. I’m quite proud actually’.

Ministers have reacted angrily to claims that Boris Johnson lied about the 40 new hospitals. Anger is what they have instead of shame.

Conservative MP Geoffrey Buffington-Buffington Smythe told NewsBiscuit: ‘This government is delivering. We’ve delivered 40 new hospitals, we’ve delivered Brexit, we’ve delivered massive cheques to . . . sorry, not that . . . we’ve delivered, erm, 40 new hospitals and a scout hut. Sorry, 40 new hospitals including a scout hut’.

Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment as he’s abroad. Or with a broad, the writing isn’t very clear. Either way, he isn’t where he should be. And nor are the 40 hospitals we were promised.

Image: unsplash/Patrick Tomasso

Colonic irrigation? Try the carwash

Under new Government plans to improve the NHS by making it worse, everybody with a low-paid job will be co-opted into the NHS – making it the world’s largest health system.

‘Nobody uses libraries these days’ said a Conservative MP. ‘They’re all too busy on their phones or queuing for food banks. Librarians could be trained to do smear tests easily enough – just put a couch and a pair of stirrups between Fiction A – G and H – M. Sorted’.

Studies have shown that car washes already have buckets and a water supply, so colonic irrigation will just need a bit of training. ‘For an extra five quid you could get your teeth polished’, the spokesman said. ‘Florists could do minor surgery. They’re paid really badly so they’re ideal’.

Some moaning minnies have suggested that there might have been a reason for the whole “five years at medical school then several years post-registration training” malarkey, but ministers have helpfully pointed out that everybody dies anyway, and we’re a crowded island. So that’s all right.

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/vintageblue-112464/

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