BMA castigated for not checking Steve Barclay's diary

A red faced BMA, on the start of a new four day strike attempting to bring the NHS to its knees, admitted that none of the union officials checked the Health Minister's diary before calling the strike. 'Fair enough, he's on holiday in some sun-kissed resort so we really can't expect him to turn up for discussions about resolving the crisis,' a union representative said.

The last time they tried to get Mr Barclay around a table he was having his hair cut - a long standing appointment with 'some guy from the high street'. The representative agreed it would be unreasonable to ask him to reschedule his trim as their other customer might be inconvenienced. 'Like the time before - had to walk the dog. We thought that job had finished when Johnson left Number 10, but no, it's a commitment, so fair enough.

'We've checked his diary and it seems very full for the next fourteen months, then nothing. I guess that's our opportunity,' said the representative.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/sasint-3639875/

Regeneration of junior doctors to be rolled out across NHS

Junior doctors will be expected to routinely travel through time and will work until they are at least 1500 years old, Health Secretary Steve Barclay announced today. The policy announcement comes after Barclay uncovered a successful regeneration scheme for medical staff, codenamed Doctor Who, running since 1963, at the Gallifrey NHS Foundation Trust near Liverpool.

'The abilities to distort time, communicate via telepathy, and to transform into a spanking new doctor when you reach the age of around 750 is vital to our goal of providing a full-service, competitive 21st century health service', announced Barclay. 'Project TimeLord will just formalise practices which we already impose on our junior doctors - the expectation that they can be in two places at once as a result of huge staff shortages, for example’.

‘The poor sods will be too busy with crippling workloads, complex, multi-layered plot lines and chasing down Daleks that they won’t notice the 25% real pay cut we've imposed on them over the last decade. Our patient data shows incredibly high satisfaction with all 13 time-travelling doctors to date…with the exception, of course, of Sylvester McCoy’ said Barclay.

Barclay is thought to be particularly impressed with the Doctors' physical characteristic of having 2 hearts, which compensates for him being a heartless b@*tard himself.

Doctor Woman Professional - Free photo on Pixabay

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Opticians Opt Out Of Working

Optometrists Union spokeswoman Julie Piglet said '‘Our demands are very simple – we’re not looking for a pay rise at all. I mean, if they offer us one, we’ll have it – of course we will. But that’s not what this is about.

'For decades – centuries even – opticians have had to wear glasses as part of our schtick. Most of us had perfect eyesight until we became opticians. So our proposal is simple. It’s a like-for-like campaign. We demand, that all dentists must have false teeth, and all doctors must have the lergies. ALL the time – 24/7 lergies. And all surgeons must have something slightly wonky about them. That could be one leg longer than the other, maybe one arm shorter than the other... that sort of thing.’

This campaign has apparently been a long time coming, with many opticians as over the moon as an astronaut to be a part of it.

One optician said 'Before becoming an optician I had perfect eyesight – I was actually head-hunted by the SAS to join their elite sniper program.' He explained this to a coat hanging up on the wall.

An Optometrist Union statement read:

T O

W H O M

I T M A Y C O N C E

R N . W E W O U L D L I K E T O

A R R A N G E A M E E T I N G W I T H S O M

E O N E T O D I S C U S S H O W V E R Y V E R Y U N H A

P P Y W E A R E W I T H T H E C U R R E N T S T A T E O F A F F A I R S

Image: jupiterimages Photos | FreeImages

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