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Outrage as report exposes blatant discrimination in maternity wards

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A recent extensive, expensive and far-reaching report, funded by the National Agency for Funding Research Into the Blindingly Obvious, has revealed that almost all the patients admitted to maternity wards were women.  'This discrimination seems to have been going on for - well, ages' said Doreen Seacow, spokesthing for the team which carried out this crucial report.  'And what's almost worse, the midwives employed there are overwhelmingly female.  The job-title doesn't help, and we're calling for these people, in future, to be known (no, not as "midhusbands" - that would be equally biased, and just silly) as "midspouses".'


'In future, we are calling for the funding of all maternity units to be withheld until they achieve equality in their admissions policy, even if this leads to the closure of some of them.  Apart from anything else this might save a whole load of money, which will ensure the government supports our demands.  And judging by the outcome of some recent inquiries and prosecutions, it might even result in a greater number of babies surviving the experience of being born in some of the more badly managed and incompetently-staffed of these units.'



Superdrug ‘surprised’ to find they’ve been selling hospitals

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Following new official guidance that any First Aid kit in a sealable box can be defined as a “hospital”, executives at Superdrug, Boots and other high street pharmacies have belatedly realised that they have been selling hospitals all along.



‘Our value range first aid kits are fairly basic’, a spokesman said, ‘but it turns out that two triangular bandages, some savlon and a packet of sticking plasters is actually categorised as a 400 bed hospital. Who knew?’



Sarah is a volunteer with St John Ambulance Brigade. She spends her weekends at football matches and village fetes. ‘It was a complete surprise to discover that our hut is now one of the Government’s 40 new hospitals. I’m quite proud actually’.



Ministers have reacted angrily to claims that Boris Johnson lied about the 40 new hospitals. Anger is what they have instead of shame.



Conservative MP Geoffrey Buffington-Buffington Smythe told NewsBiscuit: ‘This government is delivering. We’ve delivered 40 new hospitals, we’ve delivered Brexit, we’ve delivered massive cheques to . . . sorry, not that . . . we’ve delivered, erm, 40 new hospitals and a scout hut. Sorry, 40 new hospitals including a scout hut’.



Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment as he’s abroad. Or with a broad, the writing isn’t very clear. Either way, he isn’t where he should be. And nor are the 40 hospitals we were promised.



First published 27 May 2023



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Young, low paid immigrants identified as NHS bed blocking cause

The government has worked out that the bed blocking situation in the NHS, where old people who are medically as fit as the NHS can make them, is down to young immigrants working in the care system.


'It's obvious,' said a government spokesman today, 'all these Indian, Pakistani, African, assorted other dark-hued people sneaking in without a degree to their name changing Tena pads, helping incontinent folk to the toilet, doling out meals, pills and hope to countless old people for minimum wage are the problem, not the forty percent of government payments going to private equity shareholders as previously thought, is the root cause of the NHS problems.'


Asked if Brexit, and the consequent loss of qualified, often degree qualified, personnel from across the English Channel, now apparently named the Gulf of France, has created the problem the government spokesman disagreed but stopped the interview to intervene in a fire that had occurred in the Prime Minister's trousers after he sought clarification on the policy.




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