top of page
Search

Farage's tobacconist to be given SAS protection

In the last twenty-four hours the degree of security provided to Reform MPs, their families and close associates has increased dramatically.


Nigel Farage now receives round the clock security from MI6, his ex wife and current girlfriend have both been put into witness protection, presumably in one or more of his houses, while Richard Tice has been offered a cuddly toy to hug at night and Zia Yusef has been allocated Lee Anderson as his personal bodyguard.


Farage's barber, his butcher and his newsagent have all found 22 SAS parked outside their premises brandishing Glocks and Farage's personal bodyguard now has his own personal bodyguard, who is expected to get his own within the week.


For obvious reasons security at the House of Commons is unchanged.




Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.


Image: ChatGPT

Farage 'well up' for walk on film parts

Following his sincere not sincere tribute to Anne Widdicombe, Nigel Farage has been identified as the next, best method actor.


'I don't think I've ever seen a more compelling awkward walk of shame from an actor,' said Hollywood director and producer Quentin Tarentino. 'The over self-confident gait, the pinched ass walk, the thousand yard stare - just perfection. I could cast this guy as a failed crypto scammer in my next film, or as a dodgy as f@ck politician on the take. Or as the regular guy next door dragged up by a commodity broker, given a job beyond his meagre private educational qualifications then thrust into national spotlights by Russian handlers.


'This script writes itself,' he said. 'Now all we need is a tragic ending involving guns, or maybe a spoof assassination attempt. Hold that, apparently scheduled.'



Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.


bottom of page