Time Team revival scheduled for Xmas 2030 TV listing

Renowned tv archaeology series Time Team is to be revived for one episode in a move designed to lift the battered spirits of the nation. The ever popular channel 4 series featured a group of archaeologists headed by comedy front man Tony Robinson using their skills to investigate a site of suspected interest. This particular episode will see the talented team taking their spades to the building site for a new drive-thru McDonalds in Downing Street in the city of Westminster.

Interest in the site first arose when a construction worker found a spectacle case embossed with the initials DC (Specsavers Barnard Castle ) in the rhododendrons in the back garden of what would have been number 10.

Archaeologist Phil Harding takes up takes up the story. “There have been all sorts of rumours about this being the seat of the UK government and bodies buried under the patio for a long time so we thought this would be a good opportunity to entertain the nation and put those silly stories to bed at the same time. I can’t say I’m terribly optimistic that we’ll find much and we have to prepare ourselves for disappointment.. You get a feeling about some places and. from what I’ve seen and heard so far I can’t believe there is going to enough evidence that this was ever an important admin centre - certainly not enough to warrant three days of digging “

To fill out the programme there will be add on features relating to the period when the site was thought to be active. These will include a laboratory sequence when an attempt will be made to carbon date three legendary characters, Jacob Rees Mogg, Nigel Farage. and Boris Johnson. Small slivers which are said to come from the heads of these individuals will be subjected to exhaustive tests.

Tony Robinson thought that viewers would be fascinated to hear the truth about these stalwarts long assumed to represent the best of the British nation. “Stories about individuals like these always arise in times of crisis” Tony said. “ King Arthur in the Dark Ages, Robin Hood in the Middle Ages and Benny Hill in the 1980’s but the findings always tend to be inconclusive. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to discover that neither Jacob, Nigel or Boris ever existed.”

Series producer Jolyon Bubbleworth was ecstatic when he spoke to NB about the programme failing to prove any of the speculation, “That failure will fit in nicely with the current national mood while at the same time helping the Brits feel better about themselves by disproving that such an unprepossessing building and such absurd people could ever have had an important role in the public life of the country” He added "Patriots will be able to hold their heads up high as they queue for their burgers.”

Archaeology Digging Searching - Free photo on Pixabay

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TV stations announce new approach to cookery programmes

Amid news that supermarkets have been filling gaps on their shelves with pictures and cardboard replicas of produce, television companies have been rushing to produce cooking programmes using cardboard cut-outs of celebrity chefs along with replica soundtracks from previous episodes when they each had a go at cooking the same dishes.

A spokesperson for the BBC explained: 'We've known for a long time, that although these programmes are popular and interest people in exciting recipes, they were only ever watched by people under 50, because older people already know how to cook. We also know that although these programmes are educational, which ticks a box in our charter, not a single person under 50 has ever attempted to try the recipes themselves, preferring instead to buy a ready meal version of it.

When asked whether the older generation would miss seeing celebrity chefs cook in person, Agnes Smith from Lancashire said “Course I won't. They only ever cooked foreign muck. There isn't one of them who had a go at doing proper food like tripe and onions or a pigs' trotter stew.”

Entrepreneurs from the graphics industry have however seen an opportunity in producing cardboard cut-outs of viewers who can watch the new cookery programmes whilst those who buy them can go down the pub, like they used to when Agnes was a lass, making sure of course, that she put the veg on to cook before leaving the home.

It's rumoured Nigel Farage once picked up a cardboard cut-out of Gordon Ramsay from a skip and took it home to keep him company, pretending he has a friend. Said a source close to the former leader of political parties various: “It may be difficult to get Farage to part with it, but if they could run to a packet of fags and a pint of Old and Filthy, you never know your luck.”

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Strictly Bombshell: Farage to compete in first-ever male-crypto/fascist pairing

In a surprise announcement last night, a spokesperson for the popular ballroom dancing-based TV show, Strictly Come Dancing, announced that controversial Brexit architect, Nigel Farage, will be joining the list of celeb competitors and will be paired with one of the male dancers in what will be the show's first-ever male/crypto-fascist pairing.

In a statement released last night, the show's producers revealed: "We are all about diversity and acceptance and are therefore delighted to welcome Nigel to the show and look forward to seeing the extreme right-wing, headbanger showing audiences what he can do, beyond convincing intellectually-challenged people to vote for a measure that will effectively chop the country's balls off in an act of fiscal and cultural suicide".

It is understood that the production company also approached reviled, hate-peddler, Katie Hopkins, with an offer to appear on the show but rowed back when she demanded the right to call for the machine-gunning of dinghies containing immigrants in the English Channel during interviews with Claudia Winkleman after each stint under the iconic glitterball.

A delighted Farage spoke briefly to newsmen from outside his home last night: "I'm really looking forward to joining the show this autumn. I've always fancied myself as a bit of a racially pure, Anglo-Saxon Fred Astaire" he said.

"However, if my partner tries to lead off at the start of our performance, I certainly won't hesitate to take back control", he chuckled.

It is understood that Farage's contract contains a stipulation that he will not perform any dances with European connotations like The Viennese Waltz, nor any that give credence to a racially tolerant philosophy like, The Black Bottom.