Farage wins top spot in the Guinness Book of Broken Records

'Every sodding Monday, Nigel Farage holds a press conference and every time he says the same sodding thing,' groaned a spokes-hack for Britain's political correspondents, emerging from the conference room with bleeding ears.

'It's always: Brexit hasn't been tried properly... Britain is broken... the BBC is woke... foreigners should be starved and deported. Then he goes and says it all again on GB News, for hours on end.

'We've heard it so often that we don't bother taking notes any more. We just drip hot wax onto our hands to try and keep awake.

'Having heard Farage utter his pisspoor collection of half-baked views for the 3,650th time in a year,' said a spokes-pint for Guinness Publishing, 'We had no hesitation in naming him the new world champion for sounding like a broken record.

'He eases out Margaret Thatcher, who held the spot for 23 years by screeching 'Rejoice! Rejoice!' throughout the Falklands War and the rest of the 1980s.'

The latest Reform UK press conference became slightly less tedious when the ghost of Lord Haw Haw appeared above Farage's head and said in a slurred voice: 'This is my beloved son, with whom I am well pleased'.'

BBC airs 'Dr Who and the Garlics' to win over French haters

'We've taken a lot of flack from the right wing press for apparently being biased towards the left,' said a spokes-Tardis for the BBC.

'So to prove how totally impartial we are, we're putting out a show which serves up some truly loathsome foreign villains for Tories and Reform voters to despise.

'It's a special edition of Dr Who in which the doctor, played by an in-form Nigel Farage, takes on a bunch of shifty, treacherous French humanoid machines called the Garlics who want to subject Britain to European rule again.

'Armed with only a sonic vodka and orange screwdriver and 200 Rothmans, Farage's Doctor Who defeats Macron, the evil Garlic leader, by boring him and everyone else to death with a series of interminable press conferences.

'We've really done the background on this,' said the BBC spokes-Jelly Baby, looking increasingly embarrassed at what he had been made to read out.

'The Farage doctor regenerated from the Enoch Powell doctor. He, in turn, regenerated from Oswald Mosley and Lord Haw Haw.

'And the Farage doctor is a Time Lord, all right, because what he really wants is to take Britain back in time to the 1930s and then lord it over everyone as prime minister.'

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More attacks by immigrants needed, say Reform

Reform politicians are growing 'increasingly concerned' about the low level of violence perpetrated by immigrants.

'Is it too much to ask?' a spokesman said. 'All we want is a couple of rapes and maybe a terror attack once a fortnight. Just enough to keep the membership growing. You can't expect people to turn out every weekend, shouting at hotels, if there haven't been any crimes committed'.

Nigel Farage is understood to be 'baffled' by the low crime figures, given the number of 'men of fighting age' he has pointed at over the years. 'What's wrong with them?' the spokesman added. 'It's almost as if they aren't terrorists after all'.

In other news, the latest violent incident appears to have been carried out by British men, causing racists to mutter 'oh, for f*ck's sake' under their breath.

Image: Wix AI