'Failed ex-president Medvedev is saying that all my demands to Russia to make peace with Ukraine are moving Russia and the US closer to war,' said President Donald Trump, speaking to reporters from a gold-plated bath in the White House.
'To pull the world back from the brink of Armageddon, I have activated a two-pronged plan which is guaranteed to calm everything down. Firstly, I have insulted Medvedev by calling him a failed president. That's guaranteed to put him in a friendlier mood.
'Secondly, to punish him for daring to say America and Russia are edging closer to war, I am sending two nuclear submarines to within missile range of Moscow,' Trump continued, illustrating his point to reporters with a clockwork hunter-killer submarine bath toy.
'Action stations!' he cried, plunging the sub into the briny depths of his bathtub and making siren noises. 'Dive! Dive! Dive!'
'People are saying this is the peace plan Jesus or Gandhi would have come up with,' said Trump, firing off a plastic pretend Tomahawk missile into the lavatory. 'That's if they'd wanted to look really tough to a bunch of ignorant, violent redneck supporters, like I do.'
