Massive potato array to power Norfolk

Boffins at the University of North Norfolk have plans to power Norfolk with a MASH battery, a new technology to rival solar panels and wind power.  The boffins believe that MASH technology could make wind turbines and solar panels redundant.

‘The main barrier to renewables is cost,’ said the white-coated lead boffin. ‘Solar panels are expensive, wave power is expensive, wind turbines are expensive. We wanted a low cost alternative and because this is Norfolk, we lighted on potatoes.

‘The MASH array works just like that experiment that we all did at primary school. The one where you make a battery out of a potato and power a tiny light bulb.  We took that basic science and we scaled it up.

‘MASH stands for Massive Array of Spuds for Heating.  We worked in a local potato field to wire up thousand potatoes, and we achieved a voltage of 700V.  By wiring up more and more potatoes we can create a massive array that can power whole cities.  It’s cheap, it’s green, and there is no toxic waste.  The Green Party are keen, Greenpeace are keen, and potato farmers are keen.  We’re trying to sign up Alan Partridge to help us sell the idea more widely.

The advantage is that potatoes are cheap and widely available, and that the used potatoes can be recycled to provide school dinners for the local kids.  Also, potatoes keep working when it’s windy and during the night when there is no sun, so you get power round the clock.

Our first attempt, using lemons, worked fine, but wasn't economically viable.  Importing lemons was too expensive, and we reckon it’ll be at least ten years before Norfolk could produce lemons in the quantity required.

One possible disadvantage of using potatoes  is that demand for energy put push up the price so much that no-one will be able to eat them any more. Luckily, the University is also working on a replacement for chips, made from recycled newspapers. 

The North Norfolk boffins are looking forward to a potato-powered future in which MASH technology produces enough green electricity to allow the nuclear power station Sizewell B to be turned off.

Image credit: perchance.org

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Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Reports suggest a Norfolk man has been arrested on his birthday, after mistaking a police detail arriving at his residence, to be an elaborate stripogram act. It's understood that on seeing officers, one of whom was female, the man said, 'Phwoar. Hot totty for the birthday boy. Wing-ding.'

There then followed a kerfuffle that wouldn't have been out of place in popular sitcom Only Fools and Horses when the man is further alleged to have roared, 'Come on luv, let's get to it. I'll come quietly,' as he tried to rip open the female officer's tunic.

He was then quickly manhandled by the other officers, bundled into the back of a squad car and driven off at speed. Norfolk police has since released a brief statement confirming there has been an incident and a sixty-six year old man is under investigation. Further details will follow.

Image: Pixabay AI Generated