M&S to cut Christmas goods to Northern Ireland, but not their mawkish adverts

Under the terms of Brexit retailers have promised the worst of all worlds to Northern Ireland, no shopping but all the annoying paraphernalia, we associate with it. This means plenty of family rows, but this time over presents not given, as opposed to presents that are just unwanted.

A M&S spokeswoman explained: ‘Customers in Belfast will still need to wrap empty boxes. This means spending hours hunting for the sticky tape, constant paper cuts and the obligatory last-minute dash to a service station’.

They will also watch the sentimental M&S advert, which this year features a reindeer on a dialysis machine, Santa struggling with Parkinson’s and a slow acoustic rendition of Iron Maiden’s ‘The Number of the Beast’ – sung by Dido.

‘With all our shelves empty, we expect demand to exceed supply. So, we advise queue early, to avoid disappointment’.

Johnson announces Garden Bridge to cross rift with EU

The Prime-minister has resurrected plans for a Garden Bridge.

Mr Johnson explained the plan; "Not building the bridge in London has cost the tax payer £43M, I think we can do better than that. Did you know you could walk from the UK to the EU in Ireland? I didn't. But we can take advantage of that by moving the bridge to connect to the EU because there's simply a line in the road in Northern Ireland that the bridge has to cross."

Great Britain signs free trade deal with Northern Ireland

After a gruelling two months of negotiating with himself, UK Trade Minister Sir David Frost emerged to announce that Great Britain had signed its first-ever free trade agreement with Northern Ireland.

He hailed the deal as a ‘historic first that will keep goods flowing smoothly between the two territories’.

In a rare joint communique, Republican and Loyalist paramilitary leaders said, ‘Bugger! Now we'll have to go back to our day jobs’.

‘I proved a tough opponent,’ Frost continued. ‘At one stage, I was prepared to walk away, but in the end, a solution emerged that was acceptable to both parties’.

He reminded his audience that Great Britain had left the European Union ‘completely and utterly,’ so it would no longer be following European product standards. ‘Henceforth,’ he said, ‘Great Britain will align its product standards with those of Northern Ireland. This is only natural as they too are part of the UK’.

‘Northern Ireland is, of course, self-governing’, he continued, ‘so where they get their product standards from is entirely up to them’.