N Ireland Protocol: 700 pages, 8 hours, and descriptors in Latin

As NI Protocol talks become more acrimonious Johnson continues to deny the existence of Ireland

As talks over the Northern Ireland Protocol become ever more acrimonious, a source close to number ten claims that one fundamental problem is Boris Johnson's insistence that there is no such place as Ireland.

The source wishing to remain anonymous said: ‘Advisors tried to tell Boris that Ireland is a actually a real country, and that furthermore, Britain has no control over what it decides to do. Nevertheless he just will not accept it.’

‘How can a bunch of funny little potato-munching fellows with green suits, silly black hats, clogs and bright orange beards be in a position to tell the UK, by which of course I really mean England, what we can and can’t do,’ Mr Johnson is understood to have told one aide when shown a photograph of Ireland taken from the International Space Station.

It's understood the PM then suggested: ‘Anyway, that pic looks like some kind of photoshop job if you ask me. Everyone knows "dat da Oirish" are just a mythical race only existing in fairy tales or as the butt of racist jokes.

'What’s more, my old boss Mr Trump said the only real Irish person ever to have lived starred in a movie called The Quiet Man where he played a cowboy called John Wayne.’

Shamrocks Clover St Patrick'S Day - Free photo on Pixabay

Get more NewsBiscuit humour on Amazon

‘I didn’t shit myself, I sat in coffee’ claims Republican		Levelling up will ensure entire nation is underwater

M&S to cut Christmas goods to Northern Ireland, but not their mawkish adverts

Under the terms of Brexit retailers have promised the worst of all worlds to Northern Ireland, no shopping but all the annoying paraphernalia, we associate with it. This means plenty of family rows, but this time over presents not given, as opposed to presents that are just unwanted.

A M&S spokeswoman explained: ‘Customers in Belfast will still need to wrap empty boxes. This means spending hours hunting for the sticky tape, constant paper cuts and the obligatory last-minute dash to a service station’.

They will also watch the sentimental M&S advert, which this year features a reindeer on a dialysis machine, Santa struggling with Parkinson’s and a slow acoustic rendition of Iron Maiden’s ‘The Number of the Beast’ – sung by Dido.

‘With all our shelves empty, we expect demand to exceed supply. So, we advise queue early, to avoid disappointment’.