Polio in, abortion out - welcome to the good old days

Jacob Rees-Mogg has reportedly paid his apothecary a handful of guineas to release the polio vaccine as part of his plan to get back to the 'good old days' when women were witches and peasants knew their place. To cover his tracks, he then paid a sailor he knows, 'in the biblical sense,' to press gang said apothecary onto a ship bound for destruction in the Anglo-Dutch wars of the 1670s.

A spokesman for Rees-Mogg denied he was a grown up version of the kid from the Omen adding: 'Monkey pox is a good old fashioned sounding illness isn't it? We want to see the return of diseases with names like Milkmaid's Knee, Bishop's Peculiar and Jenkins' Splurge. To be fair those could be real ales too.'

Dismissing the idea a US-style abortion ban could never happen here, the spokesman laughed: 'It definitely could. Have you ever heard the phrase "Northern Ireland" before? If you're English, probably not because of your natural cushion of ignorance and xenophobia, but it will blow your mind and maybe blow up your shopping centres.

'Anyway, many Tories agree with the American Colonies basically making abortion a criminal offence. After all, it's only right that a woman who was raped receives a longer jail sentence for not wanting to raise her rapist's baby than the rapist receives for doing the raping. That seems like the behaviour of a normal functioning society. In any case, a woman with learning is almost certainly a witch. Maybe we'll get that into the next Tory manifesto.'

Liz Truss causes diplomatic incident by trying to scrap northern Iceland Protocol

Reykjavik: Pandemonium ensued in the corridors of the Icelandic parliament today as the country’s president received a telephone call from Liz Truss who seemed to be declaring that Britain was going to annex northern Iceland.

Bjork Magnussen, spokesperson for the Iceland’s President said, “The President was left very worried and confused. The North Iceland region is one we are most proud of and is a huge source of income from tourism. Then all of a sudden we had someone from the British government banging on about a hard border with the rest of the island.

“She then bombarded the President with some statistics relating to the importing of apples and cheese before telling him she loved his Irish accent and that she thought Bono was great.

“But when the President informed her she was calling Iceland, she simply said “Oh well, I’ll have three frozen pizzas and a box of Cornettos, please.””

“We have had to refer this matter to the International Court of Justice as a diplomatic incident and await the traditional non-apology of Britain’s current Conservative government.”

When asked to comment on the debacle, Truss said, “It’s weird, when I was doing my in-depth research, the first thing it says on the Wikipedia entry is “not to be confused with Ireland”, so you’d think I’d have clocked it then. But no.”

Bizarrely, she followed up this statement by adopting an accent and laughing, “What a mistake-a to make-a!” before munching on a Cornetto and trying to wink but actually just blinking manically.

Image: nextvoyage | Pixabay

N Ireland Protocol: 700 pages, 8 hours, and descriptors in Latin