Southerners set to receive clogs and whippets

Southerners have been horrified to discover that Andy Burnham's 'Northernification' of the UK will include them being forced to wear clogs and breed whippets.

Speaking outside Number 10 Downing Street, Ardwick, M17, the latest Prime Minister told reporters, 'Cappuccinos and lattes are to be replaced with builders' tea and 'foreign muck' is to be replaced by pies.'

London's women over-40 have already been earmarked to receive shawls and clay pipes and the NHS is to remove three of their front teeth completely free over the next 12 months.

Pubs south of Watford will be prevented from selling shandy and lager will be phased out, to be replaced by pints of something dark brown and sticky with bits in it.

Image: WixAI

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Those new Burnham policies in full

As the nation looks forward to a proper northern Prime Minister, with proper northern policies, Newsbiscuit presents a handy guide to what we can all expect.

1. More investment in the north. 'Currently the north's benefits bill is a huge drain on the rest of the country,' said Andy Burnham today. 'Instead, we should send just as much money north, but call it investment. Which would in some way be better.'

2. The national anthem to be replaced by the music from the Hovis ad, or the theme tune to Coronation Street on ceremonial occasions.

3. The three meals of the day to be called breakfast, dinner and 'us tea', the last of which must always be bread and dripping washed down with Yorkshire tea.

4. Plans to join the euro to be abandoned, and sterling instead to be replaced with pies.

5. London always to be referred to as 'that London'.

6. A picture of Liam Gallagher putting two fingers up to be on every banknote.

7. Assuming someone's from Yorkshire when they're actually from Lancashire (or vice versa) to be made a capital offence.

8. Manchester City to be exempted from Premier League spending limits (isn't this true already?).

   
   

9. Vastly exaggerating the hardship of your childhood to be made compulsory.

10. BBC transmission to finish every night with an episode of Phoenix Nights.

11. Monkeh to be given a peerage for his services to tea sales, with a further award for "not being stuck up".

12. A new HS3 train line to be built between Leeds and Bradford, 'cos there's nowhere else worth goin' ter.'

13. An annual pilgrimage to Makerfield to be required of every citizen, except of course Andy Burnham who'll

never set foot there again.

Image credit: ChatGPT

Andy Burnham will be same as Starmer, but Northern—which is worse

The fear within the Labour Party is that they will be replacing one horrendous human being with an exact copy, but this time with an unlimited supply of tea. So far Burnham's policies are to carry on as normal, but greet every human, animal, and lamppost with 'alright, love?'.

In a tailored speech Burnham denied this, as his brass band struck up, and he threw his flat cap into the crowd. He insisted that he would face the economic challenges—coatless. However, a bit like 'Wonderwall', his northern credentials are so overplayed that everyone is sick of them. His spokeswoman added. 'Andy is not a Northern stereo-type, he is his own man…now please pass the gravy.'

image by Gemini Google