Andy Burnham will be same as Starmer, but Northern—which is worse

The fear within the Labour Party is that they will be replacing one horrendous human being with an exact copy, but this time with an unlimited supply of tea. So far Burnham's policies are to carry on as normal, but greet every human, animal, and lamppost with 'alright, love?'.

In a tailored speech Burnham denied this, as his brass band struck up, and he threw his flat cap into the crowd. He insisted that he would face the economic challenges—coatless. However, a bit like 'Wonderwall', his northern credentials are so overplayed that everyone is sick of them. His spokeswoman added. 'Andy is not a Northern stereo-type, he is his own man…now please pass the gravy.'

image by Gemini Google

Hollywood greenlights new film 'Return of the King'

It was announced today that Hollywood has given the green light to a new all-action movie called “Return of the King'.

The film tells the story of Andygorn, a wanderer in the political wilderness of The North who is revealed to be the true heir to the throne of Westminster.

He is opposed in his quest by a strange, goblin-like creature called Keirllum, who keeps muttering that staying in power is 'precious' to him, though he seems to have no idea what to do with it.

The relationship between Keirllum and a malevolent orange face seen at the top of a tower to the west is unclear, but said to be 'on and off'.

The climax of the film is the Battle of Makerfield, where Andygorn destroys the interloper Faraguman, who is revealed to be a puppet of the big orange face, before advancing on Westminster to claim his prize.

A scene involving talking trees turned out just to be King Charles having a chat with some of the evergreens at Highgrove.

Image from NewsBiscuit archive

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Vox pops from Makerfield

Our question: Do you think Andy Burnham will win the Makerfield seat?

The responses:

'Who? Which seat? Are you one of those BBC bastards who ought to be telling us how much Farage has had in corrupt donations this week; and why ain’t you telling us why he ain’t had his collar felt yet?'

'Andy Burnham? My mum loves him and has had a crush on him ever since he was in Oasis.'

'I think Andy Burnham would make a good MP for Makerfield, but I can’t understand how he can fit that in, if he’s flying round the world talking to Trump, Macron and Carney.'

'An election? Not anovvvvvver one!'

'Makerfield? You’re having a laugh, aincher? Nowt’s been made here since they pulled t’mill down and turned it into a field. When I grew up, this were all dark satanic mills… Those were t’days.

Image credit: Wix AI