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Trump signs 'genius' nuclear armageddon deal with Saudi Arabia


Hot upon the heels of turning the entire Middle East into a war zone by attacking Iran at Israel's behest, Donald Trump has agreed to give Saudi Arabia all the equipment it needs to refine material for an atomic bomb.


'Of course it's for a bomb,' chuckled a spokes-launch site for the Saudi monarchy. 'We're sitting on deep seas of oil and natural gas. Why would we want nuclear material for power stations?


'It's like this. Because Iran is building nuclear weapons, we want the technology to make them too. Then there'll be a nuclear stand-off in the Middle East between two massively brutal and unpredictable regimes.


'That's why every US leader up until now has refused to even think about giving the Saudi regime nuclear technology.


'But you know President Donald. All you have to do is hand over some money and ask.'


'It's another genius Middle East move by our president,' said a White House spokes-dimwit, 'because it means Iran will now go all out and build the atom bomb that it's spent the past 30 years tinkering about with. Then there'll be some actual nuclear warheads there for our military to blow up.'


'They'll make mushrooms clouds like you'd never believe,' crowed the US president, signing his catastrophically dumb deal with Saudi Arabia in the Oval Office. 'So never say I don't put on a show for you.'


'Are you not entertained?'


Image: WixAI



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Trump loses his sh!t


US president Donald Trump has reacted furiously to the humiliation of being mocked by Belgian footballers by declaring that unless the result is overturned, the ceasefire with Iran is over. In a rambling statement, Trump said,


'Unless Infantino does the decent thing and reinstates the United states team every time they lose, until I have lifted the world cup for them, millions of Iranian people will be blasted to oblivion. You know, we treated those bastards so well during the soccer jamboree, and this is how we are repaid. It's not on.


No one mocks the mighty Donald J Trump without some defenceless little kids dying with their entire family. It's only fair. You know Iran used to be called Persia?  I didn't until yesterday and now I think they changed the name to help them hide the nukes. Bigly nukes go boom! And the whole country goes boom unless Infantino does the business.


You know, I've done so much for him, giving him the greatest soccer jamboree of all time. Now he has to pay me back or I forget soccer and obliterate Persia. They are cuckoo anyway. My pants feel squishy. Has someone farted?


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image from Grok


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UK to buy 'pre-loved' nuclear plants

In view of the whopping cost of building new nuclear power plants - £14bn for Sizewell C, for example - the UK is also exploring cheaper options.


'We are looking to buy some slightly used nuclear power plants from Germany,' said a government spokeswoman. 'They are in good condition, one careful owner, full service history and an excellent safety record. Germany only stopped using them for political reasons, and not for safety reasons. Definitely not.


'As the UK is technically outside the EU, any electricity generated will have to be marked NOT FOR EU. We are working on how to do that. Shouldn't be a problem.


'Our German sellers have insisted on a buyer collects approach. We will dismantle the power stations, wrap each component in bubble wrap and aluminium foil and bring them all back to the UK on commercial ferries or by using Deutsche Post, who are very efficient. For the fuel rods we will probably hire a van. This will save us a lot of money and it will all be PERFECTLY SAFE.'


'We will reassemble the pieces to make Hinckley Point D and Sizewell D power stations. If all goes well then they should be operational by 2045, or 2055 at the latest. And we will save enough money to reinstate some of the cuts to Disability benefits.


'Probably.'



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