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After the rejection of the latest pay offer by members, and in anticipation of strikes until the end of the year, the nurses union has just released its charity Christmas single, eight months early.


A spokesperson said that the money from sales of the single will be used to help nurses with their food and energy bills.


The charity single is a reworking of the 12 days of Christmas and celebrates daily life in the NHS. The lyrics are as follows


On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me

Twelve lawsuits coming

Eleven MPs sniping

Ten doctors beeping

No pay financing

Eight nurses wilting

Seven bedpans brimming

Six patients paying

Five cold meals

Four bawling babs

Three French SRNs

Two rubber gloves

And a single doctor left in A&E


The nurses union explained that the song is ‘just a bit of fun’ and that NHS patients should not expect to see ten doctors when they visit hospital, unless there is a picket line. They also wanted to make clear that NHS food is usually served hot (or lukewarm for meetings about pay negotiations) and is very nutritious. The reference to five cold meals is about the food at weekends and bank holidays, when another tray of sandwiches and a banana can feel a bit disappointing.







The Ministry of Defence has said nurses can have a pay rise, provided they are willing to fight on the Ukrainian front line. 'We have plenty of cash for killing people, just not very much for saving lives. Your average nurse would be much better off if they looked like a Stryker personnel carrier.


'We're not saying they don't do vital work in hospitals. I'm just saying they would be much handier strapped to a bomb and dropped from 10,000 feet. Hence our new slogan, 'clap for nurses that go splat'.'


Redeployed staff will be dressed in military fatigues as opposed to actual fatigue. While patients are encouraged to stop giving thanks and just give tanks. Said one Challenger Tank: 'I used to work in an A&E department on a Friday night, so its nice to get away from all the death and destruction.'





The ex-Chancellor insisted he was not guilty of dodging millions in tax, but said the money had instead come from the public sector wages. An aide commented: 'If you add up the 10% owed to everyone, it just about covers what Mr. Zahawi spends on horse feed.'


Meanwhile the nurses have been given all of Mr.Zahawi's bills in error. Said one confused nurse: 'I was expecting at least 7%, but all I got was an invoice for a gold-plated swimming pool.'


Mr. Zahawi said he would be giving back the money as soon as he could find the missing millions - among the rest of his loose change.



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