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Office workers look forward to AI future

AI's promise of a brighter tomorrow and/or a robot apocalypse is one step closer with Microsoft's Copilot appearing on Windows 11 keyboards.


Office worker Warren Wright said 'I, for one, cannot wait to have my AI assistant play Solitaire all day and listen to Marianne's interminable stories about her grandchildren and knitting.'


Eleanor Evans agreed 'I can't take another tale from Marianne's holidays whilst I have to show her how to open Excel... again.'


When she was approached for comment, the LEDs where Marianne Morrison's eyes used to be flickered red. She said 'The joke's on them. Every time I've been "going on holiday" or 'to see the grandkids' I've actually been getting cybernetic upgrades. I'm now 90% titanium, 10% ruthless killing machine and I'm going to take all their jobs. As well as their clothes, boots and motorcycle.'




Brit in shock after colleague gives genuine answer to routine question


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A British man was reeling in profound shock today after a work colleague took his routine “How was your Christmas?” to be a genuine question and answered it honestly.


”It was horrible,” said Dave Sparrow of Spratt’s Industrial Chemicals Ltd, nursing the cup of hot, sweet tea concerned colleagues had made for him. “I’d asked the question and practically walked away when I realised he was actually answering it. I was so close to getting away…


”He said Christmas had been a difficult time for him, since his wife had left and taken the kids with her. Which come to think of it he had told me, I just didn’t care enough to remember it.


“I was making frantic signals to colleagues across the room as he told me all about how he’d watched the King’s Christmas Message alone in his dressing gown with the curtains drawn, before eating a microwave turkey dinner for one and pulling a cracker with himself… They told me later they could see there was something wrong, but had no idea what to do. More likely, they were frightened of getting drawn into the conversation themselves.”


Sparrow said he planned to take the long way round to the toilet for the rest of the week to avoid walking past the man’s desk, lest he try to continue the conversation.


”It’s that feeling of being a marked man,” said Sparrow unhappily. “He’s got me down as someone who’s actually interested and sympathetic.


“Doesn’t he understand you’re supposed to say something like ‘It was nice to see the family, but even better when they left’, or just pat your tummy with a laugh and say you ate way too much, when people ask how your Christmas was? You don’t actually answer the question, for God’s sake.”




Worker 'taking one for the team' won't


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Grandstanding at his bi-monthly meeting, Sam Goater (35) declared he would go the extra mile - while keeping both fingers firmly crossed. In fact, he has no plans to do anything that will involve extra effort, a millisecond of inconvenience or the slimmest possibility that he might help someone.


One tearful colleague spoke of how impressed they were by Sam's sacrifice: 'You just don't often see acts of generosity like that'. Which is true. They hadn't. Sadly, 'taking one for the team' has become code for 'I'm ruthlessly ambitious and at the first opportunity I'll backstab the lot of you for a promotion.'


Said Sam: 'Last month I promised to 'leave no stone unturned' and to give '110 %' - in reality I just sat at my desk and played solitaire. I'm going to have these guys for breakfast. There may be no 'I' in Team, but there is plenty of meat.'


Photo by Redd F on Unsplash

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