Trump eager to take over running of Venezuela's dictatorship

'President Trump is really looking forward to misgoverning another country,' said a spokes-anschluss for the White House.

'Venezuela was already a cruel and repressive dictatorship run for the ruler's benefit, so in many ways his work there is done.

'All that remains is to rebrand the presidential palace as the 'Trump Caracas' and call the capital's grimmest shanty town 'Trump Favela', and then the President will lose interest and give up.

'But if that liberal snowflake opposition leader Maria Corina Machado ever dares return to Venezuela from Norway, he'll jail her for beating him to the Nobel Peace Prize and blame Obama.

'Why does Trump want to be the autocratic ruler of every country he can annex?' continued the spokes-camp guard, in answer to a question from Colditz News Network.

'We believe it's because he never had a train set as a kid and since then, he's wanted to be the Fat Controller of everything he can lay his tiny fingers on - women and countries.'

A statement from the nonsensically miffed Nicolas Maduro said 'I thought dictatorship and election-rigging, crude oil and cocaine were things Trump and I both loved. The ex-President of Honduras just got a pardon for the same thing that I'm clearly going to be Epstein-ed for. If Trump wanted a play date, why didn't he just ask.'

Image: Leonardo Guillen (@leoguillen) | Unsplash Photo Community

Last time it was gold, this time oil

Sam Allardyce to Run Venezuela

In an unexpected move, following the arrest and extradition of Nicolás Maduro, Donald Trump has announced that interim control of Venezuela will be taken by perennial stopgap Sam Allardyce.

Speaking from his command centre in the main ballroom of Mar-a-Lago while staff set up for lunch, the President told assembled journalists his reasoning, 'I needed someone who'd clean up the country,' he said. 'What better person to do that than a man who's made his entire career out of being a caretaker manager? Though we call them janitors here, not caretakers, not sure why, it's a good word, good word. Big Sam is a man after my own heart, taking over failing organisations, and leaving after twelve months having sent them even further down. Smart guy. He's also got great business sense, knowing how to get around rules and regulations to solve problems, and he lets his son carry the can when things go wrong. For me, it's like looking in a mirror, which I'd do if I cast a reflection.'

In Caracas, the newly-installed CEO of Trump Industries South America (formerly Venezuela) gave his thoughts at his surprise appointment. 'This isn't my first time trying to solve problems in destitution,' He remarked, 'Remember, in the past I've managed both Bolton and Sunderland. I'm not too keen on the uniform, and it's a bit over-the-top making me wear my playoff and division three medals all the time, but apparently the locals like a leader with a bit of razzmatazz. Things here will be alright, just as soon as I can convince them to play 4-4-2, and they let me appoint Kevin Nolan as my Vice-President. My only big question is, given this is South America, what's the wine production like in this country?'

Image: WixAI