I can't wait for the Olympics closing ceremony, says Kabul housewife

"Goodness, four hours watching that Olympic opening ceremony just flew by!" Umm Said, an elderly housewife from Kabul, told Western journalists.

"And they way they put drag acts into almost every scene and insulted the religion of billions of people was just so enlightened and diverse.

"I must admit that when I saw a naked, blue, fat man rise up from the table at the Prophet Isa's Last Supper and start singing, I thought I was having a fatal stroke and asked my husband to call the doctor and the imam.

"But he explained that all the queering and blasphemy involved were merely attempts by the organisers to make people all over the world feel totally comfortable and included in this Olympic experience. How thoughtful of them!

"Now that I am no longer terrified or offended by these Olympics ceremonies, I cannot wait for the closing one to come around so I can get to watch another four hours solid of gender-bending and mockery of people's beliefs.

"These displays are all so meaningful to people like me."

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British tourists fail to notice French railway sabotage

British tourists have been marvelling at the speed and efficiency of French trains, despite the fact that many of the high speed TGVs are not even running thanks to arson attacks and the system is also coping with an Olympics and start of holiday season.

Francesca Fraser said 'Look at these lovely trains. They're much faster than the ones at home. Punctual service. And there's never been leaves on the line the whole time we've been here. Reasonable prices too... I'm starting to wonder if the privatisation of the British train network might not have been an unqualified success.'

Locals, who are used to a good train service, were less happy. One mime, angry that his train was late and failing to travel at 200mph, did unspeakable things to a baguette.

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New conspiracy theory suggests Queen's 2012 Olympic parachute jump was fake

'Typical load of cobblers' a spokesman for the Palace stated. 'Probably concocted by some wretched republican halfwit.  The originator of this outrageous theory is liable to charge of treason, and imprisonment in The Tower.'

Slightly more credible is another conspiracy theory, which accepts that the Queen, obviously, did do the jump (she wasn't the kind of person who would duck out of a challenge, or willingly participate in any kind of deception) but that a stuntman had to take the place of Daniel 'James Bond' Craig. This was because the film company's insurers weren't prepared to underwrite the risk of exposing such a valuable actor to that degree of danger.

A member of the late queen's household later revealed that, in private, Her Majesty had subsequently described the event as 'A bit of a doddle, really.  It wasn't as if it was even pissing down with rain or anything.  I have a Prime Minister, remember, who can carry out any necessary public performances in the rain when needed.'

Picture credit: Wix AI