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Stiff response to penis injection scandal


Comedy writers around the world have lodged a formal complaint with the International Olympic Committee comedy(IOC) over stories about hyaluronic acid allegedly being injected into ski jumpers’ penises to give them extra elevation.


“How are we meant to compete with that?” said a spokesmirthson. “That is already funny. You can’t add anything to it. It’s not fair. We’re just trying to do our job here.”


Hyaluronic acid is a common filler used in cosmetic surgery, including injections being used for penile girth enlargement surgery. Stop tittering at the back there. Before the start of the season ski jumpers are measured for their suit. A larger penis at the time of measuring would mean a fractionally larger ski suit which could potentially mean greater lift.


There are rumours that a member of the Austrian team who took double the recommended dose of the acid has still not come down. Meanwhile, it has emerged the acid was also used in the creation of the giant heads of Verdi, Rossini and Puccini at the opening ceremony.


The dose led to their lower appendages falling off backstage, killing one of hundreds of volunteers in the first known case of ‘penicide’.


image form pixabay


Claudia Winkleman's fringe to be listed


Claudia Winkleman’s fringe is to be listed and is to go on tour next year after Winkleman and her co-host Tess Daly leave Strictly Come Dancing.


English Heritage confirmed that Winkleman’s fringe is being given Grade II listed status in honour of its “cultural status”. A spokesperson said: ‘Claudia Winkleman’s fringe is seen by millions of people every year. Granting it Grade II listed status saves it for the nation.’


The show’s producers said: ‘Claudia Winkleman’s fringe is a national treasure. The tour will allow members of the public a chance to get close to an important part of television’s best-loved presenters.’


The tour will take in cities, towns and villages across the UK, much like the Olympic torch tour in 2012.


The operation, called a ‘fringeoctomy’, involves two small incisions being made in the scalp under local anaesthetic, and then a gentle peeling back and lifting of the fringe. A skin graft from the back is then applied to the affected area and a new fringe grows within weeks.


Observers say Winkleman’s fringe needed cutting anyway. ‘If you look at episodes of the show from ten years ago, you can clearly see her eyebrows’, said one member of Strictly fan club, Telford Tango. ‘Now her eyes are barely visible.’


Winkleman, who has presented the show since 1951, said: “I’m nervous about the operation obviously, but excited too. As long as Craig Revel Horwood is not the surgeon….”


image from grok

5 Olympic sports in which you could definitely medal in 2028


The Olympics are over but with just 1460 days until the next one, which sports do you think you could definitely have a chance of winning gold in in Los Angeles 2028? It can’t be that hard, right?



Decathlon - an event where you don’t actually have to be the world’s best in any of them, but just have an adequate level of competence in them all 10 - this sort mediocrity is exactly the kind of sport you could buy into. Also, you played Daley Thompson’s decathlon on the ZX Spectrum for weeks on end as a spotty teenager in the 80s, so you already have the expert knowledge that you have to do the long jump at an optimum angle of 42%. Job done.



BMX Freestyle - riding a tiny little bike, showing off doing daft tricks, and falling off a lot? It’s your summer of 1986 as a 13 year old with your best mate Danny Dexborough all over again, minus the cans of Top Deck shandy and the discovery of half a porn mag in the bushes near his house. The podium awaits.



Kayak cross - all that time spent going down the rapids in the sub-tropical swimming paradise on your annual visit to Center Parcs Sherwood Forest didn’t go to waste, as here’s the Olympic equivalent - Kayak Cross. No skill required, just get in your boat, line up in 4s and let the water take you down. Unlike the Center Parcs rapids, this has the advantage of you not having to worry about your left testicle being visible out of the side of your trunks to everyone on the viewing platform as you awkwardly descend the slide.



Shooting - you’ve played Call of Duty loads, and you seem to remember having a go at Clay Pigeon shooting at Fletch’s stag do - or was it paintball? Whatever. If it means you can practice in one of those ranges where you shoot at a paper target with a gunman in it and then it wheels back to you and you check whether you hit them in the chest or the head like in the TV detective shows then bring it on.



Anything in the velodrome - all of the events look like a piece of piss. The one where they creep around the track at 2mph? You’d just bomb off really quick - easy win. The one where there’s about 30 bikes on the track at once - it’s like the sponsored bike ride you did at school. Just pretend you’ve got a puncture and then rejoin with a couple of laps to go. And the one with the motorbike rider on the front - you were basically doing that when you worked for Uber Eats last year. Do they pay the living wage and do you get tips? Where do you sign up?



First published 20 Aug 2024



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