The Olympics are over but with just 1460 days until the next one, which sports do you think you could definitely have a chance of winning gold in in Los Angeles 2028? It can’t be that hard, right?
Decathlon - an event where you don’t actually have to be the world’s best in any of them, but just have an adequate level of competence in them all 10 - this sort mediocrity is exactly the kind of sport you could buy into. Also, you played Daley Thompson’s decathlon on the ZX Spectrum for weeks on end as a spotty teenager in the 80s, so you already have the expert knowledge that you have to do the long jump at an optimum angle of 42%. Job done.
BMX Freestyle - riding a tiny little bike, showing off doing daft tricks, and falling off a lot? It’s your summer of 1986 as a 13 year old with your best mate Danny Dexborough all over again, minus the cans of Top Deck shandy and the discovery of half a porn mag in the bushes near his house. The podium awaits.
Kayak cross - all that time spent going down the rapids in the sub-tropical swimming paradise on your annual visit to Center Parcs Sherwood Forest didn’t go to waste, as here’s the Olympic equivalent - Kayak Cross. No skill required, just get in your boat, line up in 4s and let the water take you down. Unlike the Center Parcs rapids, this has the advantage of you not having to worry about your left testicle being visible out of the side of your trunks to everyone on the viewing platform as you awkwardly descend the slide.
Shooting - you’ve played Call of Duty loads, and you seem to remember having a go at Clay Pigeon shooting at Fletch’s stag do - or was it paintball? Whatever. If it means you can practice in one of those ranges where you shoot at a paper target with a gunman in it and then it wheels back to you and you check whether you hit them in the chest or the head like in the TV detective shows then bring it on.
Anything in the velodrome - all of the events look like a piece of piss. The one where they creep around the track at 2mph? You’d just bomb off really quick - easy win. The one where there’s about 30 bikes on the track at once - it’s like the sponsored bike ride you did at school. Just pretend you’ve got a puncture and then rejoin with a couple of laps to go. And the one with the motorbike rider on the front - you were basically doing that when you worked for Uber Eats last year. Do they pay the living wage and do you get tips? Where do you sign up?
First published 20 Aug 2024
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