Jeffrey Archer, RIP

Jeffrey Archer has passed away at the age of 139. He was the second man to walk on Moon, the fifth Beatle, a Cambridge Don, the 'best PM we never had', a Nobel laureate and an Olympic gold medallist. He is believed to have either have been murdered by a jealous husband or died as a result of a mishap during his attempt to repair his private Concorde in midair.

Mr Archer was always destined for greatness and expected to follow his father as head of the British Army. At the age of 7 Jeffrey was offered the throne of Albania but felt he couldn't spare the week it would take to learn the language. Instead, he decided to use his gifts to become the greatest writer of the 20th and 21st centuries.  Seamus Heaney is reported to have begged Jeffrey to stop writing for a while to 'give the rest of us a chance at the Nobels.'

Image credit: Bjørn Erik Pedersen, CC BY 3.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0>, via Wikimedia Commons (image has been cropped)

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Stiff response to penis injection scandal

Comedy writers around the world have lodged a formal complaint with the International Olympic Committee comedy(IOC) over stories about hyaluronic acid allegedly being injected into ski jumpers’ penises to give them extra elevation.

“How are we meant to compete with that?” said a spokesmirthson. “That is already funny. You can’t add anything to it. It’s not fair. We’re just trying to do our job here.”

Hyaluronic acid is a common filler used in cosmetic surgery, including injections being used for penile girth enlargement surgery. Stop tittering at the back there. Before the start of the season ski jumpers are measured for their suit. A larger penis at the time of measuring would mean a fractionally larger ski suit which could potentially mean greater lift.

There are rumours that a member of the Austrian team who took double the recommended dose of the acid has still not come down. Meanwhile, it has emerged the acid was also used in the creation of the giant heads of Verdi, Rossini and Puccini at the opening ceremony.

The dose led to their lower appendages falling off backstage, killing one of hundreds of volunteers in the first known case of ‘penicide’.

image form pixabay

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Claudia Winkleman's fringe to be listed

Claudia Winkleman’s fringe is to be listed and is to go on tour next year after Winkleman and her co-host Tess Daly leave Strictly Come Dancing.

English Heritage confirmed that Winkleman’s fringe is being given Grade II listed status in honour of its “cultural status”. A spokesperson said: ‘Claudia Winkleman’s fringe is seen by millions of people every year. Granting it Grade II listed status saves it for the nation.’

The show’s producers said: ‘Claudia Winkleman’s fringe is a national treasure. The tour will allow members of the public a chance to get close to an important part of television’s best-loved presenters.’

The tour will take in cities, towns and villages across the UK, much like the Olympic torch tour in 2012.

The operation, called a ‘fringeoctomy’, involves two small incisions being made in the scalp under local anaesthetic, and then a gentle peeling back and lifting of the fringe. A skin graft from the back is then applied to the affected area and a new fringe grows within weeks.

Observers say Winkleman’s fringe needed cutting anyway. ‘If you look at episodes of the show from ten years ago, you can clearly see her eyebrows’, said one member of Strictly fan club, Telford Tango. ‘Now her eyes are barely visible.’

Winkleman, who has presented the show since 1951, said: “I’m nervous about the operation obviously, but excited too. As long as Craig Revel Horwood is not the surgeon….”

image from grok