Updated: Sep 16, 2022
The Olympics. The pinnacle of sporting endeavour, where the frailties and limits of human abilities are exposed and redefined under the most intense of spotlights. Reaching that sort of level is simply beyond comprehension for us mere mortals. But Skateboarding? Seriously? You were boardsliding down the handrail outside your local Tesco when you were 15. It’s not that hard. Here are 5 other Olympic sports that you also reckon you could win:
BMX Racing – when you were 11 you spent your summer holiday arseing around a disused scrap yard on your Raleigh Grifter, so you definitely have the pedigree. You’d have been even better if your mum hadn’t kept calling you in for your dinner. With success directly correlated to being a twat and taking out your opponents on the first corner, you’ll be quids in.
Shooting – A socially awkward man lies immobile for hours on end, blocking out all external stimuli, and occasionally pulling a trigger and hitting a target. It’s a perfect description of your last 5 years playing Call of Duty in your darkened spare room, if you add in a crate of Monster Energy drinks and regular masturbation breaks. The podium awaits.
Modern Pentathlon – Fencing, swimming, show-jumping, shooting, and cross-country skiing. An unfathomable collection of sports, seemingly thrown together by the Marketing Team at Center Parcs. Luckily for you, you developed significant prowess in all of them at Big Rich’s stag do at that stately home last year, alongside coke-snorting.
Surfing - Bottom turns, cutbacks, off the lips….the uninterested instructor mentioned all these moves in the over-priced surfing lesson you took on a recent family holiday at Newquay. You’ve watched Point Break hundreds of times, and after you win gold, you’ve already got your Donald Trump ‘5th president’ mask ready to slip on as a joke as the National Anthem plays.
Breakdancing – frustratingly, not included as a medal event until Paris 2024, meaning another 3 years before you can unleash those windmills and headspins that you perfected at the school disco 30 years ago. You are confident of a medal, as long as don’t get distracted again by school bully telling you that you have a very small penis and you’ve got no chance of getting off with Michelle in the gym tonight.