West Ham 'going down', takes on sinister meaning

Accusations of misconduct by co-owner, David Sullivan, has created horrendous double meanings for the team. 'I'm forever blowing bubbles' is less of a chant, more of a witness statement. Despite denials, Sullivan's claret and blue handsy armsy is cause of much gossip. Claimed one season ticket holder, "The Championship will be as a difficult to get out as a Sullivan clinch."

Loyal fans still yell, 'Come on you Irons!', while his lawyer quickly countered, 'Come on who? My client denies everything'. Normally the chant 'Sit down if you hate Tottenham' gets the whole stadium rooted to their seats, now there is a similar effect when any police officer asks them to stand up if you think Sullivan is innocent. Said one witness, 'The only tackle I should have to see, is the one on the pitch.'

It can't be WWIII, Germany hasn't joined in

Those complaining that the conflict in the Middle East is a world war, forget it's not a party until it's a Nazi Party. Explained the German Ambassador: 'We own the copyright on the letters WW, which is why no animals or wrestlers can work without our say so.'

Israel has been trying its best to imitate the OG, with its sinister black shirts and dodgy European accents. unfortunately they lack the authenticity that comes with a penchant for leather, logistics and methamphetamine. Germany at least tried to cover up their war crimes, they did not turn them into an OnlyFans account.

Germany is doing its best to join the conflict by rearming, but is struggling to start WWIII in Iran, when they are all ready committed to making one in Ukraine. The Ambassador said: 'Normally we need a pathological narcissist to lead us, but he's too busy running The White House.'

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Epstein List and British Honours List to merge

The Soviets described it as Kompromat, but most just call it Prince Andrew. This is the use of sexual blackmail to control the rich and powerful or to get Peter Mandelson his own Netflix special. It is now such a sign of prestige to be caught between two Ukranian rent boys, that anyone not on the Epstein List is just not trying hard enough.

Some politicians need to be tricked into a honey trap, whereas someone like Bill Clinton has his own CIA sponsored OnlyFans site. Cynics refer to the UK'S OBE as the Order of Bibi & Epstein. Suggesting that the Venn Diagram of politicians with a sex tape and who are supporting genocide is now a perfect circle.

Epstein's list matches Hansard and is longer than the phone book. Said one S7 leader: 'No one knows how many are compromised, but I can guarantee we all f$$k like Gods!'

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