Only Biscuit Fans – The new Adults Only NewsBiscuit spinoff website

In order to create an additional revenue stream from the success of the NewsBiscuit brand, the obvious next step is an explicit biscuit based porn site to take full advantage of desperate people with disposable income who are a bit peckish. Are you enjoying a cup of tea and want a bit on the side whilst no one is looking? See if there are any buttery short cakes in your area you’d like to meet and eat.

You will custard cream your under crackers whilst ogling ginger nuts and hobnobs. Nice.

This weeks filthy guest biscuit is the Lady Finger Cookie, next week is a chocolate finger, so deal with that.

Promo Code: PARTYRING - join now before this offer is scone.

Image: Neon - PhotoFunia: Free photo effects and online photo editor

White House Press Secretary ‘too challenging’, say onanists

The Royal Society of Onanists (patron: Darren Grimes) has requested that Karoline Leavitt be replaced as White House Press Secretary as she is causing ‘a disturbing lack of productivity’.

‘She should hit the spot’, a spokesman told reporters. He has asked to remain anonymous. Well you would, wouldn’t you? ‘She’s got all the right bits – she’s young, blonde, obviously not too bright – but try as we might, nobody’s managed to crack one out yet. Could it be . . . no . . . surely not . . . could it be that we’re actually not that shallow?’

Scientists are equally baffled. Professor Barrett is a sexologist. Yes, that’s a real job. ‘Usually it doesn’t even need to be a real woman. A cartoon figure, a dangling stiletto, the suggestion of a nipple intruding on stretched fabric . . . . excuse me’.

After a while he returned. ‘Where was I? Oh yes – it’s the male superpower. We’ve never encountered anything vaguely humanlike which can’t be used as . . . supporting material. Even Ann Widdecombe could be used in an emergency – we’re talking zombie apocalypse level situations, and suicide might be the preferred option – but Leavitt is something else.

We asked Ann Widdecombe for comment but she was busy setting up an Only Fans page.

image from pixabay

UK economy now 90% AI, scented candles and OnlyFans

The stagnant growth in the UK is being attributed to the fact that the last time we made something, it was on a Spinning Jenny. GDP is currently based on YouTube likes and fidget spinners. Manufacturing has ground to a halt and the only successful industries are personalized calendars of Kate Middleton and reasons to hate Keir Starmer.

A spokeswoman for the Chancellor countered: 'I do not accept your characterization, we have enabled a 175% growth in molesters and embezzlers. We have seen a twofold increase in flooding. And we are doing a booming trade in international war crimes and exporting forever chemicals. The UK is a world leader - just not in anything you would be proud of'.

The Chancellor is struggling to boost growth - unless by growth you mean NHS waiting lists. The only positive is that bioengineers have managed to turn Fatbergs into perfume. Provided the UK has an unlimited supply of unwanted fat lumps, this industry will continue to grow. So there is a use for James Corden after all.

image from pixabay