Outrage as woman forced to eat Spanish food on Spanish holiday

As the summer holiday season approaches, many Brits will be looking forward to getting away from the drudgery of moaning about the current state of the country and heading towards the sunny climate of Spanish resorts. However, holidaymakers have been warned to prepare to possibly be disappointed upon hearing the harrowing tale of one Tenerife holidaymaker who was forced to sample the local cuisine on her all inclusive holiday.

"When I go abroad, I don't want much" stated Eileen McKipling, 63. have a very simple list of things I want to experience; sunbathing, drinking alcohol, lying by the pool I never swim in, on a sun lounger I woke up at 6am to reserve, murdering I Will Survive on the karaoke and possibly getting a shag off one of the bartenders. The last thing I want to do is to sample the local culture, so you can imagine my shock when I went to get a meal and instead of having fish and chips I was served something called a Tortilla."

Eileen had hoped that this would be a one-off, but would soon be proven wrong "I thought maybe their cooker had packed up and they had to serve their own stuff, and I would look forward to a battered sausage or the like the next day. But no, once again we were given Spanish muck that I can't even pronounce. Just horrible. When I go on a holiday, the most adventurous I want to get is to go looking for an English pub when I fancy a Yorkshire pudding dinner."

"The worst part is when they gave me this awful soup they called Gazpacho. Clearly they couldn't be bothered to turn the oven on as it was stone cold."

image from pixabay

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Oh dear, Bibi, did those nasty democratic leaders upset you?

Online uproar as advert for multiracial trans-dance group features cars

Trans-dance group, Binary M, have come under criticism this week for pandering to a temporary mass interest in the automobile. The group, with over a century of history and seen as an elite global name in trans-dance group innovation and design, released a markedly different concept in the genre’s advertising type. The advert featured a seemingly unrelated montage of sleek, expensive motor vehicles slickly handling mountain passes at speed.

'Go bloke, go broke,' wrote one puzzled observer. 'Ha. Binary M have just hit the self implode button. What the f*ck do luxury cars have to do with gender non-specific voguing moves? Don’t forget to close the door on your way out, Binary M. C*nts.' There was unpleasantness, too. Hitler’s bunker scene in Downfall was re-edited to paint the now deceased dictator as the harried Binary M marketing manager following release of the ad. 'We’ll play the advert in sports bars during Premier League matches,' says Hitler, his hands shaking, as beautiful secretaries stifle sympathetic tears.

Marcus Q, former wanker from the Face magazine, tried to put the advert into socio-historical context. But what he said was too insubstantial to repeat. Meanwhile, the Binary M social media team has been doubling down, hoping to gain traction in the male 50 to 70 year old 'bandwidth'. Their IG account led from the front with a sequence of cis-white male icons from the past, including John Wayne, Harvey Proctor, Keith Allen, and Orville. The household names were pictured driving various six-figure cars away from their family homes above the legend, 'I’m transitioning to the pub.'

Eventually Marcus Q made some sort of sense. 'You can come back from this. But Binary M will have to offer up a patsy, someone traditional to apologise to the base. A Richard Hammond swigging a Bud and debasing himself with an apology to this generation.' Richard Hammond, currently filming a series of racist jokes, was unavailable for comment.

Image: WixAI