Boat Race won by crew that rowed faster

Rowing eight, AI generated picture showing a boat with seven rowers and no cox. Sigh.

For the 170th year in a row, the Oxford-Cambridge boat race has been won by the crew that rowed faster than the other one. 

The two boats started off level, as is traditional, but as soon as the starting gun went off and the rowers started rowing, it was clear that one of the boats was moving faster than the other. As a result, it reached the finish line sooner and was judged to have won.

'Yup, really happy about that,' said Toby Jeremy of the winning crew. 'Our plan had always been to row faster than the other crew, and in the event we did, which is why we won.'

'Very disappointing,' admitted Jeremy Toby of the losing boat. 'We also had intended to row faster than them - in fact, we did a great deal of training in the hope of ensuring that would be the case. But it seems they trained in a similar manner, and in the end rowed faster than us.'

Meanwhile, a number of physicists, at these two universities and others, declared they had always believed that an object travelling at a fast speed between two points would cover the distance more quickly than one moving at a slower speed.

'Yes, I’d say we were pretty certain about that. All the same, it’s nice to have it confirmed.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Government defends Reeves' claim she walked on the Moon

"Rachel is a key member of Labour's team who has got Britain's economy booming again with her masterfully shrewd Budget measures," lied a Downing Street spokesman.

"She has stated that she used to be an economist at HBOS and we are telling you that there is no reason at all to doubt that, just because it's untrue.

"And we forbid you to disbelieve Ms Reeves when she says she took a trip the Moon in her gap year and strolled around on its surface, planting daffodils.

"OK, it's a bit of a stretch - but compared to the fibs we all had to tell on Boris Johnson's behalf, it's pretty much gospel truth."

Rachel Reeves got a second-class degree from Oxford in Politics, Philosophy and Being Economical with the Truth. She then worked as a mediocrity in the financial sector and now serves Britain by driving farms and small businesses into bankruptcy.

image from pixabay

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Oxford Boat Club to stop selecting rowers based on floppy hair

Following yet another Boat Race defeat, the Oxford Boat Club has vowed they will no longer select rowers based on the floppiness of their hair.

“Looking back at the trials, there were some pretty good rowers who never made it to the last 8,” said club president Jeremy Berkshire. “But they all had awful hair - curly, too short, ginger... you just couldn’t imagine it bouncing seductively as they ran towards you in slow motion wearing cricket whites,” he added, before wondering if he’d said that out loud.

“One of them even had fuzzy hair - I think he may have been foreign. His food certainly looked a bit spicy.”

He confirmed they’d also excluded some people on the grounds that they weren’t called Jeremy, Sebastian or Rupert.

“But that stops today - from now on, we pick rowers entirely on the basis of rowing ability. Provided they went to a good school and their pa works with mine, but I think that goes without saying.”

Image:Pixabay/ Jossiano