Israel claims Palestine was playing tinny music from its phone

The all-out annihilation of Palestine - ideally accompanied by the death of all Palestinians - can now proceed with an active chorus of international approval, after the Israeli government claimed that Palestine was listening to tinny versions of Ibiza anthems from its phone speaker whilst on the bus.

One Netanyahu apologist added, 'Asking them to put headphones on is only giving the terrorists what they want. The only logical response to this moderately rude behaviour is the total destruction of Gaza, the annexation of the West Bank and the killing of every Palestinian man woman and child.

'Now that we've made up this obvious lie, we can really accelerate the slaughtering. Hooray! From the river, to the sea, from tinny tunes, we shall be free.'

Image credit: perchance.org

Tony Blair to save Palestine...for dessert

The Grim Reaper in chinos has decided to be a c$☆% again, but proposing a solution for the Palestinians. How final it is, is yet to be seen, but he promised to toast a ceasefire with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

The Tony Blair Institute (TBI) has already suggested cleansing Gaza, and Tony was very keen to finish what he started. He boasted, Oasis were not the only ones revisiting their 90s war crimes.

Dubbed the Harold Shipman of Peace, he hoped to return to the scene of his war crimes. Blair warned that Palestinians were 45 minutes away from launching stones at the UK, but 600 hours from their next lunch. Meanwhile the TBI would create a road map to peace - just don't look to see who is buried underneath it.

Image: gerhardy - Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

Bank holiday outings on the cheap

A family outing isn't cheap these days and keeping the kids amused during the school holidays is difficult. But there are things that you can do that won't break the bank.

Our top recommendation is to join a protest. There are plenty of disgruntled people out there so there are plenty of protests to choose from. You can usually join in for free, although you will need a budget for making placards. Take packed lunches to keep costs down.

Chanting outside hotels is pretty dull, but you could consider turning up with placards complaining about cold breakfasts, inadequate cleaning and uncomfortable beds. That should confuse the tattooed masses who are complaining about asylum seekers.

It's traditional on bank holidays to complain about traffic. Why not join a drivers' go slow on the M5, M1 or M4? To be fair, this won't be a top choice for your kids.

Why not start a protest outside a festival about the price of tickets? Maybe a famous band will take pity on you and pay for you to go in? If you can't get in, you will probably still hear most of the headline acts anyway. Let your kids choose the festival so that they can hear their favourite bands.

Student protests are a bust during summer as university campuses are empty. Save your ideas about protesting free speech or wokery or poor student support until the new term.

If you're in the country you should be able to join a protests about inheritance tax or electricity pylons or solar farms. It's always fun to watch farmers spraying council buildings with slurry, but remember to stand back. Maybe stay away from protests about too many Airbnb properties destroying rural life. Hunt saboteurs aren't so lively these days, but you might be able to join in with badger protection or burning down second homes.

Finally, we suggest avoiding anti-capitalist and extinction rebellion protests. And steer clear of Palestiny stuff too. No-one wants to wake up in a cell on Bank Holiday Tuesday.

Image: analogicus - Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com