King's Speech delivered via freestyle rap

In a bid to update the Monarchy and make it relevant to the youth, King Charles dressed in a red, white and blue Adidas tracksuit under his mink lined cape; his ceremonial crown (at a rakish tilt); and a pair of specially made trainers by Stella McCartney.

His rap, backgrounded by a hip hop beat version of Jerusalem, included lyrics such as:

"Inflation, across the nation, stagnation, what are we going to do? Tax the poor? What for? Trickle down from the rich population!"

And:

"No tents for the homeless, why G? They're dirty, don't vote Tory. We want a culture war, y'all. Make them tents fall."

It's widely anticipated that he will he end his speech with a call and response along the lines of:

"When I say Monarchy, you say more! Monarchy!....etc."

The speech ended with the King saying, "King Chuck out. No peace." whilst dropping his Sceptre and moonwalking out of Parliament.

Image: Gordon Cowie (@gcowie) | Unsplash Photo Community

Parliamentary aides launch #MPToo movement

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Woman who married herself poses dilemma for church and parliament

A 42-year old spinster who decided to marry herself rather than spend the rest of her life on the shelf, has posed an interesting dilemma for churches and parliament, as now that her story has reached the news and the public now know she’s not a spendthrift, but someone who amassed a few bob, she has received plenty of marriage offers.

Because British law forbids polygamy, none of these offers can result in marriage, unless parliament decides whether single people are allowed to divorce themselves.

The church meanwhile, will need to consider whether it can morally marry a woman who broke the marriage vow she made to herself.

Newsbiscuit understands from the woman’s friend, that prior to marrying herself, the intention had been to marry a dildo she won at bingo, but on discovering it had been modelled from the penis of a now trans man, didn’t think she could suffer the trauma of being let down, if it transpired the dildo had inherited the trans gene.

image from pixabay