Birmingham sent home as it describes Conservative party as a 'dump'

Cities up and down the country are responding to a tweet sent by Birmingham today when it made disparaging remarks about Conservatives. Bristol tweeted, 'OK, they are utter cnuts, but if they are spending their, sorry, taxpayers' money in your town you should show some restraint until they've maxxed their cards out'. Nottingham tweeted, 'If you think they are uncouth, try hosting a Lib Dem conference - sandals everywhere'.

Liverpool merely mentioned that it had more union flags than any other city and asked if it could use another city's recycling to ease the load. But agreed the Conservatives were utter cnuts.

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Wind from Johnson's arse will power every home in the UK

Addressing the Tory Party Conference, Boris Johnson has announced an ambitious plan that will see the endless flow of hot air and wind emanating from his bum-hole harnessed in a bid to supply the UK's entire domestic electricity supply within ten years.

As ever when it comes to Mr Johnson's sensational promises, hard details are in short supply, but it's understood that from today onward he will eat only baked beans and hot spicy foods in a bid to build up initial reserves. One insider commenting off the record said, 'The PM generates phenomenal amounts of wind wherever he goes so we hope he can deliver on his promise for once.'

Boffins are currently working on a sophisticated valve and detachable pipework system that will be inserted into Boris's anus sometime next year. One wind expert commented, 'With Mr Johnson undoubtedly being the nation's biggest windbag it would be a shame to let this opportunity simply go to waste and disappear, as it were, on the breeze.'

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