top of page
Search

“This may be last Agincourt Day commemoration” laments retired colonel



Retired Colonel Reginald Bradshaw-Wallace, formerly of the 14th Foot and Mouth Regiment, admitted sadly today that this year might be the last commemoration of the Battle of Agincourt in 1415. 


'I was initially enraged by the suggestion that after a mere 610 years, it might be time to call it a day,” the colonel told other drinkers in the bar of his Golf Club.' Though I must admit that it does get harder to get people interested in it.


'The BBC has refused to televise it ever since… well, as long as the BBC’s existed, to be honest. And the number of people turning out.,, well, actually it’s just been me for the past few decades. Not so much a parade as an old man trying to remember where the post office used to be.


'But that doesn’t diminish my enjoyment of it, not at all. As I remember that day when we marched forward to the strains of Elgar, ready to knock the hun for six, cannon to the left of us, cannon to the right of us, and gentlemen in England now abed shall fight them on the landing grounds, and in the streets…'


At this point, he was gently escorted back to the day room and propped up in his usual easy chair.




TV Licence fee to be based on the size of your TV



A review of TV licensing has concluded that the only fair way to assess what the charge should be is to base it on the physical size of televisions. The Secretary of State for Square Eyes told Newsbiscuit that it’s obvious that people with large TVs are consuming more BBC output than people who have to watch it on their smartphones; and have devised a formula whereby the standard licence fee will only apply to smartphones; and all other fees will be based on a multiple of this, depending on the comparative multiple in area the TV screen is compared to a smartphone.


A BBC technology expert said "The BBC had been hoping to make this change for many years, but had to wait until the number of Smart TVs had reached an ownership threshold that enabled the BBC to be certain which size TVs households have, because without those TVs boasting how big they are via their inbuilt BigBruv™ transmitters, the lying bastards who own them would almost certainly pretend they only had smartphones, or Sinclair MTV-1 Micro TVs."


Some viewers believe they can outwit the system by sellotaping a sheet of cardboard over the TV screen with a smartphone-sized cutout, so they can get away with paying the lowest fee, but this has yet to be tested in court.


There is good news for pensioners with smartphones in that they can apply to be exempt from the smartphone TV licence, provided they complete a 240-page online application form, access to which requires completing a test that requires a knowledge of computer coding to prove they aren’t robots.


image from pixabay


bottom of page