Pete Hegseth, the US Secretary of War, has explained the importance of hair superiority.
He revealed details about his hair care regime in an interview with MAGA Mums magazine
He explained that the US approach is one of hair superiority. He is quoted as saying that, ‘If you have substantial and powerful hair, then enemies will cower before you. Especially enemies that are shy about their hair, and feel the need to wrap it up in towels, or conceal it under hats.’
Hegseth said that he had tried many different hairstyles, but had decided that the most commanding and powerful style is the slicked back and greasy look. He is believed to have said that ‘Don’t-care hair works for me. It says that I’m too busy with war plans to wash my hair. My practical low-maintenance hairstyle, augmented with expensive hair product, tells America’s enemies that I’m one-hundred-percent focused on their destruction. My big American hair will dominate your embarrassing and feeble infidel hair.’
Insiders say that the line about expensive hair product is not true, and that the War Secretary slicks back his hair with lard. This is because it’s readily available, economical, and makes his hair smell of bacon. The faint aroma of which helps to keep certain religiously motivated terrorists at a safe distance.
Hegseth wound up his interview by recounting the hair case advice he received, unsolicited (naturally), from Donald Trump. ‘The President recommended dyeing and blow-drying, but that wasn’t for me. And he recommended fake tan, too. The blonde hair and orange skin looks great on Trump, but that look doesn’t work for me. I’ve thought it all through. Blonde is too frivolous for a War Secretary. I’m Dorian Grey. I’m a grey area. I’m the good and the grey. Shiny and grey is the way to go. Let’s make America grey again.’
US Secretary of Defence Pete Hegseth today assured Americans that the military was ready and equipped to capture the rolling green hills of Greenland.
'Our proud fighting men have been supplied with the latest in mobile attack units, perfect for dealing with all the tall grass and small patches of mud that Greenland’s terrain can throw at us.' a spokesman in sandals and aa Hawaiian shirt told gathering reporters.
'We have made sure troops will be able to deal with any hay fever or small cuts caused by the lush verdant hills by issuing plasters and antihistamines as standard.' He added.
Hegseth went on to describe the army’s standard issue cargo shorts and sunglasses for combating the beating sun on Greenland’s idyllic ranges.
When asked if there would be any considerations of protecting the invading force from extreme cold in the depth of winter, the spokesman replied, 'No, you’re thinking of Iceland. Clue's in the name.'
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