The old English tradition of Mandy Thursday

Mandy Thursday, also known as the Festival of St. Peter, has been celebrated in England since 1985, when Peter Mandelson was first appointed to a government post.  That’s right – over 40 years ago!  Mandy comes from the Latin word mandatum, meaning give me all your money.

The Holy day is usually celebrated in London by the distribution of Mandy Money.  Originally, Mandy Money was given out as special coins by the monarch, but more recently Mandy Money has been handed out as special payments by the government.  Over the years Mandy Money has been given out for many things, taken many forms, including bonuses, pay rises, redundancy payments, travel costs, promotions, bonuses, severance payments, expenses, and so forth.  In similar fashion, the amount of Mandy Money was originally to be determined by the monarch, but the current arrangements are that the recipient determines the amount for himself.  On the most important occasions Mandy Money is handed over in a ceremonial brown paper envelope.

In recent years the Mandy Money tradition has fallen into disrepute because of negative associations with the convicted paedophile, Jeffrey Epstein.

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Poor Peter's the victim in all this, say Mandelson's lawyers

'The Metropolitan Police only arrested our client because they thought he was a flight risk,' whined Mandelson's legal team from Sue, Grabbit and Scarper in a statement, 'and it wasn't at all to do with the copious evidence that he had committed misconduct in public office.

'When detectives saw Lord Peter in his local library looking at a list of countries without extradition treaties with the UK, they should have known he was only planning to take off for a winter break with all his money.

'Lord Peter says that this means it's the police who are in the wrong, and not him.

'Peter is a thoroughly innocent and misunderstood spin doctor who has managed to twist a story to his own advantage - yet again - and he now wants to fly down to the British Virgin Islands to forget all about this regrettable affair, taking a pile of incriminating evidence with him.'

At press time, Mandelson's lawyers were demanding a hand written note of apology from the Metropolitan Police commissioner for wrongful arrest and £100,000 compensation for hurt feelings.

'We'll do the note but we won't give him the money,' said a Met Police spokes-swine off the record.

'That's because Mandelson doesn't actually have any human feelings. He was born in a test tube at Porton Down.'

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Government could remove other pantomime characters from line of royal succession

A Government spokesperson has said they are considering introducing legislation to remove other well known pantomime characters - as well as Peter Mandelson - from the line of Royal succession.

The move could see the likes of Widow Twanky, Buttons and the Two Ugly Sisters follow Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor in being stripped of their chance to become King or Queen.

Sources close to Widow Twanky said it was unfair that she and her fellow pantomime dames should be dragged into the furore surrounding Andrew’s fall from grace.

'While it would make sense for villainous characters such as The Big Bad Wolf, Captain Hook and Cruella De Vil to be stripped of the chance to sit on the throne we don't see why Ms Twanky should be denied the opportunity to become Queen. Especially when you bear in mind the one that is actually there right now.

Although no pantomime character has ever been linked to the disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein and have never been accused of misconduct in public office it is thought their closeness to the Royal family has become untenable.

'It could be argued that although Cruella did try to drown 100 Dalmation puppies it is nothing compared to what King Charles gets up to with a shotgun and pack of hounds at Balmoral'

When asked if his chance of becoming King was now behind him Andrew replied 'Oh no it isn't'

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