Government to phase out petrol and diesel cars by removing brakes

In a move that's being described as "a watershed in environmental progress", internal combustion car owners will have to drive without brake pedals from today. 'This will "speed up" the move to carbon-neutral transport', quipped Department of Transport spokesman Eric Lambert. 'Pedestrians are advised to stay indoors until the transition is completed'.

Meanwhile, scrapyards throughout the country are on standby for a windfall of twisted metal. Motorway services are being stocked with duty-free booze, so that drivers can steady their nerves before braving the horrific pileups and Mad Max driving conditions.

'Once again, Britain is setting an example to the rest of the world. I suppose you could call our policy the express lane to a cleaner environment', said Mr Lambert. 'Within 12 months, fossil fuel vehicles will be a thing of the past. We expect the last gas-guzzler to drive over a cliff around the end of 2023'.

Reaction from motorists has been mixed. 'It's like having a limb removed - I'm still trying to come to terms with that empty space between the clutch and the accelerator', says Top Gear fan Martin Reeves, as he blasts up the M1 at 100mph in his brakeless Audi. 'But everything should be OK. If there's an emergency, I'll just find a nice shock-absorbent barrier to crash into - preferably a bunch of eco-protesters'.

North Sea dairies accused of milking ‘cash cow’ consumers

Multinational bovine conglomerate British Lactoleum is facing criticism for profiteering from continued inflated prices for moo-juice, despite baseline prices falling at the udder, with CEO Gerald Holstein accused of having milk on his hands.

Condemned for creaming off shareholder dividends at the expense of, and indeed all over, calcium-starved consumers, Mr Holstein insisted the company was investing literally pence in switching a token 5% of its production to alternative human fuels, such as oat, almond, and: ‘oh, I don’t know- turnip? Gravel?’

Speaking through a luxuriant milk moustache, he continued: ‘We appreciate most normal people we really don’t give a sh*it about will find the switch prohibitively expensive, but remember substitutes like ‘red UHT’ are illegal, and hacks such as adding Nesquik to your cereal may not provide enough energy to get to your multiple cleaning and delivery jobs.

‘Retraining as a barista specialising in milk-rich babyccinos would also help keep the gold top flowing into our company accounts; or simply invest in good old British colostrum and spend the day wallowing in a jacuzzi of the stuff, like I do.’

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/couleur-1195798/

Cost of fuel creates business opportunity for false numberplate dealers

Businesses supplying false numberplates for cars are springing up around the corner from petrol stations across the nation as the cost of filling a tank has reached the point when it is getting as close to being as expensive as divorcing MacKenzie Bezos.

One such business' adverts say "A hundred quid for a tank of fuel or fifty quid for a set of number plates, I know which option makes more sense!" The website advises they offer the option of selecting a model of vehicle and its colour; and if it can be matched with that owned by a government minister, or someone you hate, for an extra ten pounds, you can have them make that.

When asked if any particular section of the driving community are purchasing false number plates, we were told "It don't take a lot of working out, does it? (sic) Which cars have the biggest tanks and are most likely to be driven by crooks?"

Image: Pixabay/Andreas160578