'Look, petrol is still 0.1p cheaper than next penny up', notes optimist

The petrol crisis isn’t as bad as it could be, as the price per litre is still a tenth of a penny below the next penny up, thanks to the benevolence of profit-making oil companies, noted a man today.

‘People should look on the bright side’, said Pete McBride, looking out of the window of his Ford Focus in a queue on the lead up to his local Esso garage. ‘The price per litre is still only 136.9, no wait, 137.9. People should thank their lucky stars that ‘big oil’ isn’t taking everyone for a ride by rounding the price up to the next penny every time they increase it. Look, 139.9.’

‘They’ve held the line for us, throughout, the big multinationals with their 0.9 thing’, continued McBride. ‘Even now that we’re facing the prospect of only being able to afford an eggcup of unleaded once a fortnight, you have to take your hat off to these oligopolists. They could easily just cream in the profits by nudging the price up another 0.1p but they never do. See, it's 141.9 now. Still looking out for the little guy. Respect to them. ’

‘The only problem is the time it takes people to pay. People are always fumbling around in their car seat wells for some 0.9 coins to pay with - they’re in such short supply’, said McBride. ‘Luckily I’ve perfected my forecourt technique so I manage to dispense to a full pence unit every time, I’ve actually never once ended up with 0.9 to pay’.

Image: Pixabay/stux

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Motorists fear Taliban takeover of petrol stations when army withdraw

As if they haven’t suffered enough in the past few days, UK motorists are now voicing fears that the Taliban will take over petrol stations as soon as the Army withdraw from delivering petrol.

“It is all well and good bringing in the Army but what is the exit strategy? At the moment, it looks like there isn’t one which leaves the door wide open for the Taliban,” said a spokesperson for the Institute of Advanced Panicking. “The lessons haven’t been learnt from Afghanistan.”

The Institute is calling on the Army to evacuate any motorist filling up their car or queueing to do so, as well as petrol station staff, as soon as they have supplied a station with petrol.

“I am really worried now,” one driver queuing for petrol told reporters. “If the Taliban take over the petrol stations then where will I get my daily Ginster pasty or cheap wilting flowers for the wife on the way home from work on our anniversary. It is a real threat to the British way of life.”

Image: Pixabay/Skitterphoto

"I'm not panic buying, I'm filling up while I can" says panic buyer

A motorist queueing to fill his already three quarters full tank has slammed panic buyers, while insisting he is simply taking the sensible precaution of filling up while he can, because of all the panic buying.

"With all of this panic buying going on I don't know when my local fuel station will have diesel again, so thought I should top up now." said Wayne Riley, without a trace of irony.

"Sure I'm not planning on doing any long journeys, I work from home, have Tesco deliver my shopping and travel an average of fifteen miles per week, but you never know do you?" continued Riley, who is definitely not one of these selfish people needlessly rushing out to buy fuel.

"It really knocks your faith in humanity when you see how everybody is just 'me, me, me' at the first sign of a problem." he concluded, while filling a third jerry can and putting it in the boot alongside the hundred toilet rolls that are still there from last spring.

Image: Unsplash/Jakob Rosen