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CIA call in plumber to fix their leaks



Tired of every kid with a Amstrad 464 being able to hack the Pentagon, the CIA has outsourced intelligence protection to Check-A-Trade. One spy confirmed: 'We're more leaky than a Joe Biden prostate examination. Data was dripping everywhere, the grouting on our hard drives was non-existent.'


Having provided a temporary fix, the plumber said: 'There's your problem. See that? You've got a huge hole in your ethics. Unless you plug that gap with some human rights or crafty lawyers, you're just going to get more leakers - and no water left to waterboard them.'


Faced with rising panic and rising damp, the CIA agreed to re-tile the whole of the secret surface. Given their predilection for war crimes, the plumber reminded them he offered a discount for repeat business: 'But cash in hand, please. I'm sure I can trust you guys not to blab to the IRS.'



First published 18 April 2023


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Mobile footage of music gig 'really great to watch back'



Eleanor Evans recently went to a concert, filming most of it on her phone.


Evans said 'It was just like watching them on Youtube, but with the extra expense of tickets, drinks and a taxi home.'


'My video is amazing and I never get tired of showing it to people. How will people know I went to this gig otherwise? You can see the band about 50% of the time because of the backs of people’s heads. The other 50% I was jumping up and down so the footage makes you feel physically sick. Plus the sound is really tinny and you can hear the couple next to us having a full blown row – she should definitely leave him.'


'However, I couldn’t believe how many people were on their phones during the gig. You can see it in my video. So disrespectful.'

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