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Racially Diverse Friend Group Files Restraining Order Against College Photographer



It was an average morning for a group of multicultural college students, who were enjoying the June sunshine on their leafy campus. 'It was all so normal,' Sanjay tells us. 'Hua, Kwame, Diego, Amelia (she's gay,) and I were preparing for our upcoming exams when we heard rustling from the bushes.'


They were greeted with the cold, invasive eye of a long-lens camera.


The college photographer, 46-year-old Oliver Brown, has been tasked with designing glossy brochures for the university for ten years. Since then, he has been striving to represent the full range of brilliant students who have walked the hallowed halls. 'It isn't always easy,' he tells us. 'Most of the people here are white, cis, able-bodied and straight. I usually end up having to photoshop minorities into the background. That's why Sanjay's group were so irresistible. It's the kind of diversity we collage together from stock images and slap on the front page.'


All Oliver wanted was one picture of the gang huddled around a Bunsen-burner or poring over books together in the library, but the colourful clique refused.


'It's tokenism, plain and simple,' Hua said. 'The moment we saw him coming we scattered; Kwame discarded his wheelchair, Amelia started kissing Sanjay and Diego tore off his Yarmulke. We weren't going to let him exploit our differences to make up for the racist flaws in this institution.'


After another belligerent attempt from Brown to photograph them returning from an intersectional feminist book-club, the gang decided to press charges against the shutterbug.


Sanjay shouted 'See you next Tuesday... in court.'




First published 6 Jun 2023


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If Ukraine war ends, how will Starmer get to do his serious face?

Any peace plan must include alternate photo ops, insisted Sir Keir, who was worried that voters would discover he has nothing else to do with his time. His events calendar normally comprises of -


5% cosplay in an army outfit.


7% standing in silhouette by a door.


10% walking in slow-mo through a garden, nodding sagely at sage.


78% readjusting camera angles to make himself look taller


This is the first peace proposal to include a performer rider, with Sir Keir demanding hundreds of statesmen-like poses in designer outfits, all paid for by dubious means. In private he is said to have been furious that he may have to go back to images of him been shouted at by pub landlords or that video of him with a punchbag, that makes him look like a bellend.





UK plans to clone WWII veterans



A leaked memo has revealed that the Government has no intention of letting a generation of photo ops die off. Instead, aging Spitfire pilots will be spliced with immortal jellyfish, to create a neverending supply of plucky Brits, that can annually endorse our grifting politicians.


No.10 had been concerned about the dwindling supply of confused nonagenarias. Without being able to force a dementia sufferer into wearing a beret, how else would Prime Ministers be able to demonstrate they are tough on defense? Without mawkish VE Day celebrations how else could the PM cosplay Winston Churchill?


Now all we need to do is thaw out their wheelchair once a year. Journalists can recycle their headlines about sacrifice, the BBC can rehash footage of street parties and those brave vets can relive their PTSD so Keir Starmer can pretend he cares.




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