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Drunk Brits force Hercules to return to Khartoum


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A rescue plane was forced to return to Khartoum today after a group of rowdy drunken Brits harassed fellow passengers, sang the national anthem while standing on seats, and punched a flight attendant. The Hercules transport had already been delayed because a passenger insisted on ‘nipping out’ for fags on learning the duty free shop had been shelled.


An RAF spokesperson said: ‘We can confirm that our Hercules transport made an emergency landing in a war zone because that was preferable to continuing with a cargo of Brits. They sang the tune to The Great Escape in front of German passengers and tried to open the doors at 30,000 feet.’


Ryanair has confirmed that a fleet of its planes have arrived in Khartoum to help with the rescue operation. Thousands who were fleeing the conflict have decided to stay and take their chances.



British holidaymakers jubilant as budget destination Mustique goes on green list

The nation's top toffs and celebrities paraded through the streets of Cobham, Surrey, yesterday in their be-spoke open-topped Bentleys, waving union jacks and singing Verdi’s ‘Chorus of the Hebrew Slaves’.


Impromptu street parties broke out along the high street as effervescent revellers quaffed Bolly by the bucketload and fine dined on red mullet with white Burgundy, accompanied by a violin solo. Re-enactments of famous Eton wall game finals excited the crowds, with memories of the 1787 trouncing of the French 330-0 (after extra-time), still fresh in the minds.


‘Jolly spiffing news, what!’ exclaimed Maj Gen Pilchard Davenport-Dawlish (retired). ‘Most of us have been up all night, blagging our villas on booking .com and taking advantage of the generous 10% discount for hyphenated names. The nation desperately needs a holiday after the over zealous Mr Shapps stopped us all from jetting off to Courchevel and enjoying a dash of off-piste skiing in the tree-lined Jardin Alpin area.'


'That makes my favourite beachside villa very reasonable for just £31600 for the week, and Toffjet is laying on special flights without all that ghastly quarantine or testing piffle. We’ve been warned of an influx of vulgar social influencers who apparently have the money to afford this sort of thing, which is why the first thing I packed was the 12-bores.'

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