NASA to prevent Earth colliding with second Trump Presidency

Having fired probes into oncoming asteroids, NASA is hopeful they can knock Donald Trump out of his political trajectory. Warned one scientist: 'A large orange ball is heading right for the White House and every time Joe Biden opens his mouth, this lump picks up momentum.'

The impact of Trump would be seismic, with liberals flattened in every direction. Last time he created a crater the size of Manhattan - and that was just the indentation his arse left on the memory foam mattress.

'If hitting it with a probe won't make him budge, we can always send the FBI round again.'

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 27 Sep 2022

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Trump takes credit for planetary alignment

President Trump today explained that his administration was responsible for the unusual planetary alignment that allowed no less than seven planets to be visible in the sky last night.

'Would never have happened with sleepy Joe' he told assembled White House reporters. 'This is a great day for American astrologers… astroturfers… whatever the hell they are.'

He went on to say that now the planets were obeying his bidding, it was time to think about opening hotel/casino resorts on other worlds.

'We’re calling it Mars-a-Lago, it’s gonna be great, the best thing ever. You get on one of Elon’s spaceships at Cape Canaveral, and assuming it doesn’t blow up on launch - and they’re getting much better, believe me - you’re there in 7–8 months.'

Asked whether people would really want to travel so far just to visit a barren wasteland with no atmosphere, he replied, 'People go to Atlantic City, don’t they?'

'Besides, that’s based on where Mars is now. We’re gonna be bringing it much closer. And by the way, don’t believe the people who say that would mess up gravity, or whatever, that’s just a Big Science conspiracy theory. Teach the controversy.'

Picture credit: Freepik AI

Hanging chads and an ear miss

The Milky Way

Vega Edition

Sunday, 8th August 2027

still only V$35,000

We lament the passing of our near neighbours of Earth. It is by fine margins that civilisations fall and worlds collapse. Not so much a democratic planet, as one ruled in part by a leader of their 'free' world, yet elected by only one nation of many.

In the Earth Year 2000, a vote recount in the State of Florida saw great debate over whether hanging, fat, and pregnant 'chads' should be counted on punched ballot cards. Dubious inconsistency in that thinking, coupled with dubious inconsistency in what amounts to a 'popular vote', allowed a candidate by the name of Bush to slip past another called Gore into the Presidency of America by the narrowest of margins. The outcome was that a 'drill it 'n pump it' mentality to their planetary rock prevailed, rather than a 'let's look after our only home' attitude.

24 Earth Years later, a bullet grazed the ear of a reckless destroyer and the fate of humans was sealed. Indeed, the disappearance of all life turned the once blue-green globe to the orange-brown ball of fire we gaze upon this night with great pity.

Such beauty lost to such ugly mismanagement. RIP, dear Earth.

Picture credit: The Milky Way, Vega Editon. And Wix AI.