Tories: ‘Cost of living crisis not our fault, it's our Sistine Chapel'

One Tory MP who wished to remain anonymous, has spoken out about the cost of living crisis:

‘This wasn’t just thrown together you know. 12 years of avoidable mismanagement is actually quite hard work, but we've created a masterpiece! We absolutely could make people’s lives better but we simply don't want to.'

‘And how would ordinary people suffer for our entertainment otherwise? Remember David Cameron? Just reading about the anguish he helped cause was no longer enough to sexually arouse him – he had to see it for himself. Now 'going to the food bank' is rhyming slang in his house.’

‘Victorian level poverty is what these oiks - sorry, people - voted for and we should respect that by screwing them over and over and over again. What do they want – food and heating?'

'It makes you sick. More inexplicably legalised foie gras?’

Image: Pixabay/Tumisu

Decision to stand and fight or seek safety same as trying to choose wallpaper patterns insists PM

Boris Johnson is reported to have said that he sympathises with Ukrainians torn between fighting the invading Russian army or seeking safety in a neighbouring country as he has had to face similar agonising decisions himself in recent days.

‘Fretting over which wallpaper to choose for the rooms at No10 cost the PM many sleepless nights', a concrned Johnson was alleged to have said. 'So I know from first hand experience how difficult it can be to make those important life changing decisions. But it brought Carrie and I even closer together…our Blitz spirit got us through those long sleepless nights of indecision and worry.'

'Choosing the wrong wallpaper is something we would all have to live with and I was not prepared to put my family through such an ordeal.'

'Living with the wrong wallpaper day after day is similar to risking your life in a war. I’m sure the Ukrainian people would agree with me on that.'

'Which is why we turned to Lulu for help….a bit like how Ukraine has turned to us for help with their current predicament.'

'Thanks to Brexit we were able to choose our own wallpaper and did not have to seek approval from EU overlords as we always had to in the past.', the PM is said to have concluded.

Image: Pixabay/Carola68

‘No room for you but your cats and dogs would be welcome’ Johnson tells refugees

Boris Johnson has told Ukranian refugees that, unfortunately there is no room for them here in the UK but their cats and dogs would be most welcome to come and stay.

The PM is alleged to have said that we are a nation of animal lovers and their pets would be loved and well looked after. And of course, they don’t need a visa or a sponsor. The animals could be vetted and processed within hours of arriving here in the UK and would find a new home within days.

A private charter flight is taxiing on the tarmac at Heathrow Airport waiting for the go-ahead from the main decision maker in No10. Boris Johnson is thought to have had some input behind the animal-rescue idea too.

‘Ukranian cats and dogs will no longer have to cower in underground car parks or run for their lives from Russian snipers. They will be safe here in the UK’ , the PM is thought to have said. 'There is no need for the Ukrainian people to thank us for our generosity….it is the least we can do.

'We are world-beaters at housing animals from war torn countries. No other country has done as much as the UK to help Ukranian animals flee the war. Ukrainians can sleep peacefully in their beds knowing their pets will be safe from Russian bombs here in the UK. For now at least.

'One day we might even be able to take in some actual pet owners. But you know how it is.

Paperwork, background checks, visa applications, processing etc…..

We would love to help Ukranian people find safety but as you can see, it’s just not that simple’.

Image: Pixabay/blende12