Last of the "Downing Street Image Touslers" retires

The last of the "Downing Street Image Touslers", Janice Edwards, is to step down next week. Janice led a six-strong image management team put together to ensure the Prime Minister always had that 'just rolled out of someone else's bed' look.

"The team was set up right after he was elected. Some continuity was needed to maintain that trademark crumpled look - he referred to us as his touslers, and it sort of stuck, " confided Janice. "Initially, we had myself and Richard on hair and make-up, Carole and Laura on jackets, ties and shirts, and Garry and Katriona on trousers".

"Poor Kat. In those early days, we really didn't know how ... er ... potently fecund the PM was. Working in close proximity to 'wee Boris' , even through several layers of fabric, was enough for her to end up pregnant. We had to rotate the assignments and beef up the PPE. Then Jeanne had a couple of scares, and within six months, a third of the team was on maternity leave. Even Garry started complaining of ovulation pains."

With the COVID lockdown, the much-reduced team found their tasks far more stressful, with the PM having to tousle himself - under close Zoom supervision - for long periods of 2020.

"If you look back through the briefings, you can see that the quality of the tousle suffered dramatically", confided Janice. "This was a terrible time for us as we literally watched all our hard work unravel in front of the whole country."

The decision was eventually made to disband the Touslers early this year, with Janice remaining on to help train up their replacement - consisting of a number of ex-Warrington Wolves rugby league players in NBC suits, a couple of stout ropes, and a length of hawthorn hedge.

"It lacks finesse, but it is effective, and - hopefully - no more pregnancies."

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Unattended PM on nursery school visit eats crayons and smears own faeces on face

Prime Minister Boris Johnson was momentarily left unattended during a visit to a nursery school. In the space of a few minutes he had eaten all of the crayons and entered the faeces smearing stage.

His handler said, 'All of these visits to schools and playgroups and nursing homes are our way of getting him the care he needs at the expense of the state. Donors used to fork out for his playpen and bouncer and things like that which were disguised as Number 10 flat decoration expenses. But they're refusing to stump up for the professional help he requires, so we have to plan his week very carefully to cause the minimum disruption to the country.

'Can you imagine if we actually left him in charge of something important, even for a minute? Hah! Doesn't bear thinking about, does it? No, it's a very important role I fulfil, and extremely stressful. The other week I caught him trying to stuff a toy bus into Larry's anus. If I wasn't watching him 24/7 then he'd probably do something unimaginably off the scale batshit like give nuclear weapons to Australia.

'To be honest though, it's not as hectic as looking after the Cabinet in my wider remit as Wrangler of Ministers. Turn your back for two minutes and they're swinging off the curtains, building cushion forts under the cabinet office table, pulling Liz Truss's hair and forming national policy at a level which would make your average five-year-old sick up his cheese strings.'