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Unattended PM on nursery school visit eats crayons and smears own faeces on face

Prime Minister Boris Johnson was momentarily left unattended during a visit to a nursery school. In the space of a few minutes he had eaten all of the crayons and entered the faeces smearing stage.

His handler said, 'All of these visits to schools and playgroups and nursing homes are our way of getting him the care he needs at the expense of the state. Donors used to fork out for his playpen and bouncer and things like that which were disguised as Number 10 flat decoration expenses. But they're refusing to stump up for the professional help he requires, so we have to plan his week very carefully to cause the minimum disruption to the country.

'Can you imagine if we actually left him in charge of something important, even for a minute? Hah! Doesn't bear thinking about, does it? No, it's a very important role I fulfil, and extremely stressful. The other week I caught him trying to stuff a toy bus into Larry's anus. If I wasn't watching him 24/7 then he'd probably do something unimaginably off the scale batshit like give nuclear weapons to Australia.

'To be honest though, it's not as hectic as looking after the Cabinet in my wider remit as Wrangler of Ministers. Turn your back for two minutes and they're swinging off the curtains, building cushion forts under the cabinet office table, pulling Liz Truss's hair and forming national policy at a level which would make your average five-year-old sick up his cheese strings.'

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