Carrie Johnson, longest serving British PM since 2019 to publish memoirs

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PM to ban windmill cars

Rolling back in his pledge to phase out our reliance on petrol, Mr. Sunak said he would halt the manufacture of vehicles that ran on tidal power and fairy tears. Electric cars were unfeasible, as they relied too heavily on trance music, the migratory pattern of wild geese, and jam.

A spokeswoman said: 'There's no way electric cars can work, how can you get that many hamsters to spin the wheels? Also, how would you get your light switch to reach that far, hmmm?'

The only reliable fuel is dinosaur juice, anything else is the work of communists and unicycle manufacturers. 'If you ask me we should have got rid of the Shire horse. Oil may be sticky and unpleasant, but only electricity is Satan's jizz.'

Failure to register mafia interest was an honest mistake, says PM

The Prime Minister has brushed off accusations that he failed to register shares in a concrete mixing car wash casino. The PM said the omission was an honest mistake, adding that he was fairly certain his accountant, Luigi ‘The Accountant’ Caponioni, would not be making the same mistake again.

A revised list of ministerial interests shows a reference to a number of direct shareholdings, including a second-hand furniture shop near Grimsby town centre. The shop is closed but has an estimated annual turnover of £650 million. It is part owned by his wife, Donna Vito Corleone Sunak.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: ‘The PM made an honest mistake but has apologised and set the record straight. He is totally legit. Furthermore, I would advise you to check under your car before putting your key in the ignition.’

Mr Sunak’s accountant was not available for comment.

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