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Johnson insistent that he needs to read War and Peace before acting on Ukraine



A No. 10 spokesbeing has told our reporter that far from inaction over the war in Ukraine, the Prime Minister is intent on studying War and Peace in order to discover the steps that need to be taken for how the war could become peace.


All four volumes are apparently awaiting collection from the Post office after a civil servant refused to accept them as they were addressed to the Prime Minister, a post the civil servant said was a figment of a twisted imagination.


When asked when the PM intends to start reading War and Peace, the aide said "I wouldn't hold your breath, he intends to start it immediately after he's finished A la recherche du temps perdu, a novel Rupert Murdoch told him he should read, but he's stuck on page 3 at the moment, wondering where the tits are.


Previously published 27 March 2022


Image: Newsbiscuit



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Boris Johnson "now a role model for snarky teenagers"



"We had anticipated that our studies would indicate that teenagers mimic the attitudes and standpoints of prominent social media users, reality television 'stars' and the like, so it has been highly unusual to see any political figure rate so highly in this study"


Keith Warsash, a psychologist specialising in behavioural development, has just completed an exhaustive internet study on role model markers amongst teenagers - and has been astonished to find that Boris Johnson is currently one of the key influencers.


Whilst scoring low, and even negative, values for his personal fashion sense, deportment and appearance, the Prime Minister has 'topped the leaderboard' for attitude and behavioural traits.


"We believe he has done so well in these areas through taking the teenage trifecta of 'I never', 'It's not my fault' and 'You're always picking on me' and elevating it to an art form." continued Keith.


"More astounding is that he has managed to maintain this triple defence well into his adult life, giving hope to teenagers everywhere that they too can carry that bubble of imperviousness into their later years, assuming no mantle of responsibility for anything as they go"


Keith has, however, been unable to confirm his findings in discussion with his 15 year old son, Jonah.


"When I spoke to him about this, all he did was mumble something under his breath, roll his eyes and storm off to his bedroom, pausing only to slam the kitchen door."


"Honestly, it was just like watching PM's Question Time" said an exasperated Keith


First published 29 Jan 2022



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Britain to be matt-finished by 2035



PM Sir Keir Starmer has reiterated his commitment to have nothing shiny left in Britain within the next decade. In a statement today the prime minister doubled-down on his manifesto pledge to eradicate all sparkliness and glitz from the nation.


A spokesperson for the PM, commented: “The PM firmly believes the ten-year target of matt-finishing Britain is achievable. He’s pleased with the progress so far in the areas of domestic window frames and drug dealers’ cars, and hopes these seismic shifts in exterior finishes will have a knock-on effect in dulling-down the appearance of Britain for future generations.”


Supporters of the proposals include manufacturers of paint, who welcomed the commitment, stating that although gloss paint looks nice, matt emulsion was cheaper to produce and less harmful when consumed by children.


Not everyone shares the PM’s fuzzy vision; uproar was felt within the pearly community, with the king and queen of the kings and queens suggesting that they’d look ridiculous with little circles of denim or tweed sewn on to their suits.


image from pixabay

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