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PM Considering Giving Every Household in the UK one billion pounds



In what is being seen as an increasingly desperate measure to hang on to his job, Number 10 insiders have revealed that the Prime Minister is considering giving every household in the UK a one-off payment of one billion pounds to help combat rising living costs.


The unnamed source said that: "Nothing is off the table in terms of how Machiavellian Boris will be if it means saving his own skin"


And whilst opposition parties and think tanks have questioned the plans, a YouGov poll of 50,000 people has shown that 99.9% of people would be happy for Boris Johnson to remain PM if such a scheme was rolled out.


A spokesman for Keir Starmer told our reporter that Labour would give people two billion pounds.


Author: urbanhermit


image from pixabay


First published 10 June 2022



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Failure to register mafia interest was an honest mistake, says PM



The Prime Minister has brushed off accusations that he failed to register shares in a concrete mixing car wash casino. The PM said the omission was an honest mistake, adding that he was fairly certain his accountant, Luigi ‘The Accountant’ Caponioni, would not be making the same mistake again.


A revised list of ministerial interests shows a reference to a number of direct shareholdings, including a second-hand furniture shop near Grimsby town centre. The shop is closed but has an estimated annual turnover of £650 million. It is part owned by his wife, Donna Vito Corleone Sunak.


A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: ‘The PM made an honest mistake but has apologised and set the record straight. He is totally legit. Furthermore, I would advise you to check under your car before putting your key in the ignition.’


Mr Sunak’s accountant was not available for comment.



First published 21 April 2023


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Johnson insistent that he needs to read War and Peace before acting on Ukraine



A No. 10 spokesbeing has told our reporter that far from inaction over the war in Ukraine, the Prime Minister is intent on studying War and Peace in order to discover the steps that need to be taken for how the war could become peace.


All four volumes are apparently awaiting collection from the Post office after a civil servant refused to accept them as they were addressed to the Prime Minister, a post the civil servant said was a figment of a twisted imagination.


When asked when the PM intends to start reading War and Peace, the aide said "I wouldn't hold your breath, he intends to start it immediately after he's finished A la recherche du temps perdu, a novel Rupert Murdoch told him he should read, but he's stuck on page 3 at the moment, wondering where the tits are.


Previously published 27 March 2022


Image: Newsbiscuit



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