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PM defends UK refugee progress - or would do if there was any




A spokesman for the Prime Minister confirmed that as of today 'three Ukrainians have been admitted to the UK on top of the 1.5 million or so taken by Poland.' When pushed the spokesman said the PM thought it outrageous that all three had been admitted, but it turned out one was a potential Tory Party donor, 'so that was alright.'


'We are prepared to provide refuge for oligarchs, billionaires and all potential donors, of course,' added the spokesman, 'but those poor war-torn people - well, they're poor aren't they? What can they donate? Perhaps if they left any valuables at the Channel Tunnel entrance and returned to East Europe everybody would be happy,' he added.




First published 9 Mar 2022


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SledgehammersЯus announce largest ever government order


A Polish company that specialises in making sledgehammers has been awarded the largest contract ever for the manufacture of a sledgehammer from the British government.


The proposed sledgehammer is said to be three times the height of the Empire State Building and will be used to stop migrant boats, however a Newsbiscuit reporter has learned from a post-coital conversation with a worker from SledgehammersЯus that in order to meet Tory cost-cutting targets, the sledgehammer specification requires it to be made from polystyrene foam, rather than cast iron and carry safety warnings to reduce the risk of anyone being harmed by it.


Popeye Marine Ltd, a UK company that had been hoping to win the contract to operate the sledgehammer, say they lost out to German company ßlüto whose worst brat threw in a free ticket to a volksmusik polka concert with a fag and pint photo opportunity with Nigel Farrage to clinch the deal.


French markets are said to be doing a roaring trade in sexy nut outfits that migrants will be wearing for the crossings.




PM defends UK refugee progress - or would do if there was any




A spokesman for the Prime Minister confirmed that as of today 'three Ukrainians have been admitted to the UK on top of the 1.5 million or so taken by Poland.' When pushed the spokesman said the PM thought it outrageous that all three had been admitted, but it turned out one was a potential Tory Party donor, 'so that was alright.'


'We are prepared to provide refuge for oligarchs, billionaires and all potential donors, of course,' added the spokesman, 'but those poor war-torn people - well, they're poor aren't they? What can they donate? Perhaps if they left any valuables at the Channel Tunnel entrance and returned to East Europe everybody would be happy,' he added.


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