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That Trump-Starmer phone call in full


DT: Send ground troops now. I'm not using US forces as they're too valuable. But you stupid Brits are expendable. Do it now or I'l be rude about you again, wimp.


KS: Now look here...


DT: I said now. Are you stupid? Now means now.


KS: Can I just...


DT: No you can't. Send minesweepers. S end what's left of your navy. Send sub-postmasters. Whatever. And hurry up. And tell NATO to send troops too. Dipshit.


KS: We want peace...


DT: We all want peace prizes, Quier. You ain't getting one. You don't deserve one. You haven't bombed anything. Except your own reputation.


KS: There's no call for...


DT: British boots on the ground, Keir. Now. Or I'll make the price of oil go up, and I'll make borrowing costs go up, and I'll make the price of eggs go up. Hear me, posh boy?


KS: What about...


DT: Time's up, Keir. Do what I say or there'll be big trouble. Tosser.


KS: What did you call me...?


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NewsBiscuit: Best of March 2025


March 2025


Back in March 2025 UK politics was still about ‘tough decisions’, with the government slashing some benefit payments, including personal independence payments (PIPs). It also scrapped NHS England because the Departnent for Health can do all of its work cheaper and better. There was an embarrassing prison escape which turned out to be less of a one-off and more of a regular thing. And three Bulgarians are found guilty of spying for Russia.


In the US, Donald Trump famously invited Voldymyr Zelenskyy to the White House, and was then extremely rude to him, with JD Vance egging him on. Donald’s well thought-through solution to the war was to give Russia large chunks of Ukraine as a down payment, until Putin could come back for the rest of the country. Donald continued to lay claim Greenland, and to moan about Mexico. Avian flu was running riot and Americans were moaning about the price of eggs. Meanwhile, on Netflix, Meghan Markle was just moaning.


In international news, beyond the things and places being messed up by the USA, the Pope was in hospital with pneumonia. Maybe that was America’s fault as well. And the BBC was criticised for serious flaws in a documentary about Gaza, prompting the usual calls for heads on sticks.


Here is a selection of the top NewsBiscuit stories from March 2025. Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


UK politics


American news


Other news



Headlines

     

UK politics

Prison admits escaped convict asked for packed lunch

Charles feigns illness to avoid trip to Birmingham

Government restores political interference to the NHS

Boris Johnson marks fifth anniversary of Covid with cheese and wine party

Russian spies in Great Yarmouth? - Norfolk enchants

VE day, 80 years of peace if you don't count Korea, Falklands, Iraq, Afghanistan, Ireland


The world of work

Baker sacked for putting her hair in a bun

Struggling doorbell company asks staff to push harder

Excited dressmaker is frilled to bits

Etch A Sketch company to undergo 'shake up'


US politics and war in Ukraine

US partial ceasefire: Ukraine stops shooting, Russia doesn't

Trump rethinks wall plan as CIA says Mexicans have ladders

Yanks argue whether their chicken or egg shortage came first

Russia keen on 'big piece' deal

Donald Trump has entered the chat... bomb emoji, smiley face emoji

Trump promises Greenlanders their own Reservations and cheap liquor


Other news

Bed-blocker Pope to be discharged from hospital

M1 closed after lorry carrying shedloads of sheds, sheds load of sheds

City of culture now awash with yoghurt

I wasn't expecting the AA man - he gave me a start

Origami disaster - events still unfolding




Image credit: deep dream generator

Peter Mandelson mildly threatens UK government with inferior biscuits


Peter Mandelson, the emperor of smarm, has exposed himself again. 


This time, it's in favour of already tragically wealthy overseas chums, at the expense of the ever grubbily fingered public purse. Tightening the genital screws on poor, put upon, hardworking Brits, a beaming grimace in softly spoken Rees-Moggian tones suggested that American billionaires should 'mildly threaten' the Treasury to tax them less than zero. Especially during periods of global financial crashes.


It's unclear if the promise to 'mildly threaten' would be a precursor to 'charmingly bludgeon'. The whispering menace prompted some discomforting thoughts:


If you don't do what I say, this dressing gown will slip open a little further;


Your lovely daughter's pony Cherubina could be clippy-clopping ungracefully at next week's gymkhana;


While you're not looking, your luxuriant, velvety bourbons might be replaced with inferior digestives;


Nice Horse Guards address... it would be a shame if someone decorated it less tastefully;


And if you do not tippy-toe more carefully, I may arrange a supper date for you with Michael Gove.



Image credit: perchance.org


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