Judas apologises for Good Friday 'confusion'

In a rare public statement, former disciple Judas Iscariot has apologised for the 'confusion' caused by his actions leading up to Good Friday in AD 30.

A recent surprise returner to Elon Musk’s unfiltered platform X, Judas posted as follows:

'I was increasingly unhappy with the direction the disciples of Jesus were taking. I originally signed up for a radical programme of reform, but Jesus — having initially overturned the tables of the money-lenders in the temple, and argued with seemingly everyone about matters of doctrine — turned increasingly to talking of loving and forgiving one’s enemies.'

The blacklisted disciple admitted his actions had faced some 'fraught days in the last week of Easter' and 'I haven't covered myself in glory.'

'The problem was I was also suddenly skint. I mean: who wouldn’t take thirty pieces of silver having decided to ostracise themselves from their party? But I didn’t read the small print and things just ran away with themselves. And no I won’t be commenting on events that followed because it’s a distraction from the main point I’m making.'

'But, yes, I’m happy to confirm I’m taking donations again for my new party.'

Writer: sketchedbyboz

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Political party colours to be used in supermarket goods traffic light campaign

An innovative policy, soon to be launched by the government, is to have foodstuffs labelled with a colour-coding scheme, based on linking the healthiness of supermarket food, to the colours political parties identify themselves.

A spokesliar for the government told Newsbiscuit, that after countless focus group meetings, it had been established that the best way to get people to realise how harmful crap food is to their health, is to link it to other things they’ve realised are damaging to their health, such as voting for the effing Tories.

The colour-coding scheme identifies Reform UK turquoise as the most toxic, with Conservative blue, close behind.

Liberal orange is identified as probably safe, but likely to be devoid of any flavour.

Labour red scores highly in the traffic light scheme in terms of health, but a surprise, was finding green gets a poor rating, as the expectation is that Jeremy Corbyn’s new party would drain the Green Party of all its vegan and bleedin’ cyclist voters, leading to uncertainty over the dietary value of any food product carrying a green label.

image from pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

Farage rage over bouncy castle

Nigel Farage has expressed anger after parliament provided a bouncy castle reward for MPs with 100% attendance records.

Some MPs said the excluded MP were being 'abused' and 'emotionally damaged' by the institution.

However, in an email to MPs, Speaker Lindsay Hoyle, said the reward was 'never designed to punish or discriminate.'

He wrote: 'We wanted to reward MPs for excellent attendance, which we thought was an exceptional accomplishment. Even if they spent the whole day asleep when they got here.'

Picture credit: deep dream generator