AI writed this headline: The future is now

It has been announced that the Isle of Wight’s best-selling free weekly ‘newspaper’ the Ventnor Harvester (not to be confused with the popular eatery) will be the first newspaper to be totally generated by AI with no human intervention whatsoever.

Proprietor Muppet Murdoch said, ‘We are proud to be world leaders to take news publishing into the sunlit uplands of an exciting tomorrow. Our innovative and exciting AI news-gathering will anonymise from where we plagiarised – oops, I meant creatively and lovingly duplicated – all of our exciting material. Here is an example of an item from this week’s exciting issue:-

‘In an exciting, sensational development today, some political bloke slagged off another political bloke, and accused him of being an anarchist / Reform fascist / Tory scum / Labour scum / Liberal scum / vegetarian / train spotter / Johnny Foreigner. The other political bloke hit back, accusing the first political bloke of being a sheep shagger and or Welsh / priest or bishop / former Post Office Chief Executive / Newsbiscuit contributor. Another political bloke standing outside his party’s stunning / iconic / exciting HQ slammed the first two, insisting that they were totally out of touch with the popular zeitgeist and that only his party could bring the county together and make the Isle of Wight Great Again (stylish baseball caps available in the Harvesters online store.)’

Mr Murdoch continued, ‘I had made the decision to bring the Harvester bang up to date. I found out that our neighbour’s son is doing GCSE Computing. His first project investigating Jaguar Land Rover’s IT systems didn’t go quite according to plan, so he was happy to have a stab at AI. People have been claiming that some rag called Newsbiscuit has been using AI for years – and when you look at the bad grammar, stilted prose and total lack of anything remotely funny this is probably right.’

When asked what the initials AI stood for, Mr Murdoch confidently responded 'Artificial Insemination'.

Image credit: perchance.org

Judas apologises for Good Friday 'confusion'

In a rare public statement, former disciple Judas Iscariot has apologised for the 'confusion' caused by his actions leading up to Good Friday in AD 30.

A recent surprise returner to Elon Musk’s unfiltered platform X, Judas posted as follows:

'I was increasingly unhappy with the direction the disciples of Jesus were taking. I originally signed up for a radical programme of reform, but Jesus — having initially overturned the tables of the money-lenders in the temple, and argued with seemingly everyone about matters of doctrine — turned increasingly to talking of loving and forgiving one’s enemies.'

The blacklisted disciple admitted his actions had faced some 'fraught days in the last week of Easter' and 'I haven't covered myself in glory.'

'The problem was I was also suddenly skint. I mean: who wouldn’t take thirty pieces of silver having decided to ostracise themselves from their party? But I didn’t read the small print and things just ran away with themselves. And no I won’t be commenting on events that followed because it’s a distraction from the main point I’m making.'

'But, yes, I’m happy to confirm I’m taking donations again for my new party.'

Writer: sketchedbyboz

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Political party colours to be used in supermarket goods traffic light campaign

An innovative policy, soon to be launched by the government, is to have foodstuffs labelled with a colour-coding scheme, based on linking the healthiness of supermarket food, to the colours political parties identify themselves.

A spokesliar for the government told Newsbiscuit, that after countless focus group meetings, it had been established that the best way to get people to realise how harmful crap food is to their health, is to link it to other things they’ve realised are damaging to their health, such as voting for the effing Tories.

The colour-coding scheme identifies Reform UK turquoise as the most toxic, with Conservative blue, close behind.

Liberal orange is identified as probably safe, but likely to be devoid of any flavour.

Labour red scores highly in the traffic light scheme in terms of health, but a surprise, was finding green gets a poor rating, as the expectation is that Jeremy Corbyn’s new party would drain the Green Party of all its vegan and bleedin’ cyclist voters, leading to uncertainty over the dietary value of any food product carrying a green label.

image from pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com