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An innovative policy, soon to be launched by the government, is to have foodstuffs labelled with a colour-coding scheme, based on linking the healthiness of supermarket food, to the colours political parties identify themselves.


A spokesliar for the government told Newsbiscuit, that after countless focus group meetings, it had been established that the best way to get people to realise how harmful crap food is to their health, is to link it to other things they’ve realised are damaging to their health, such as voting for the effing Tories.


The colour-coding scheme identifies Reform UK turquoise as the most toxic, with Conservative blue, close behind.


Liberal orange is identified as probably safe, but likely to be devoid of any flavour.


Labour red scores highly in the traffic light scheme in terms of health, but a surprise, was finding green gets a poor rating, as the expectation is that Jeremy Corbyn’s new party would drain the Green Party of all its vegan and bleedin’ cyclist voters, leading to uncertainty over the dietary value of any food product carrying a green label.


image from pixabay


Nigel Farage has expressed anger after parliament provided a bouncy castle reward for MPs with 100% attendance records.


Some MPs said the excluded MP were being 'abused' and 'emotionally damaged' by the institution.

However, in an email to MPs, Speaker Lindsay Hoyle, said the reward was 'never designed to punish or discriminate.'


He wrote: 'We wanted to reward MPs for excellent attendance, which we thought was an exceptional accomplishment. Even if they spent the whole day asleep when they got here.'



Picture credit: deep dream generator

Spaffed your job up a wall and been replaced by some noob? Why not leave a few tricks and jokes for the newbie, hilarity will definitely ensue! Perhaps one of these delights, put together by some Tory MPs who suddenly had a lot more free time available:


1. Poor some cress seeds on the carpet and give them a water before you leave. Maybe spell out a fun word like “Thatcher”.


2. Ram all the prisons to capacity and do nothing about it. Top bants.


3. Swap the mouse button settings round so they get confused and can’t press the correct one. Let them get any Social Reform through with that kind of setback.


4. Freely distribute top secret information about in a spreadsheet and make sure you cover it up until they are in charge. Try to make sure it’s expendable foreign chaps rather than your own lot…


5. Put some sardines behind the radiator and say you saw some of their back benchers do it.


6. Spend ALL the money and say everything is fine. This isn’t as fun if the other lot already know about it and pretend to go along with it. You both look daft then.


7. Shit in a drawer. Simple and effective.


8. Don’t pay people or fix things, enraged NHS staff, tired teachers, concerned school roof enthusiasts, poor train workers and all the scandal compensation…it’ll cost billions. The look on the new lot’s faces…priceless.


In no circumstances leave a “funny” note saying there’s no more money. They might use it against you and suddenly pretend that they take finances very seriously. It’s political wokeness gone mad.



Image credit: Thomas Bormans / Unsplash



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