Dear dumb constituent,
Thank you for your dumb email asking me to spell out my position on people's choice to die.
I will be giving the bill for a rolling ban on tobacco sales my whole-hearted support. This is because I think it is wrong to let people kill themselves over a long period of time by ingesting a toxic substance.
I will also be voting for the Assisted Dying Bill. That is because I think it is right to let people kill themselves suddenly, with a chocolate laced with poison which has been placed tastefully on a pillow in a hospice bedroom.
I see no inconsistency in these two moral positions, but that is because I am a very busy and ambitious MP and don't have time to think about morals.
The only difference I can see is that some people enjoy smoking tobacco. That in itself is a reason for Parliament to ban it. But who is to say that smokers wouldn't enjoy taking something far more dangerous, with a very much stronger kick?
So next time, don't light that post-coital cigarette. Instead, swallow something laced with strychnine from the Milk Tray selection, and die satisfied.
And don't forget to vote for me in the next election, dumbo - that's if you insist on living that long.
Signed,
Your caring MP
