Blood donation questions to include political leanings

NHS Blood and Transplant has announced a change to their questionnaire for donors with updates that will improve safety for recipients of transfusions.

Potential donors will, from today, be asked if they are an active member of a political party. If so, the near-armful will be subject to further tests prior to release.

"It's important that we keep the donation process safe for all parties," Said Olivia Leach of NHSBT. "Children in particular are at risk of side-effects from certain components of adult blood. One adverse reaction last year where a paediatric patient suddenly developed an acute interest in Hedge Funds and pinstripe suits was traced back to a unit of blood that came from a Conservative Donor. Therefore, we're adding these checks to ensure nothing like that can happen again."

Other side-effects recorded in the last twelve months included an increased level of bickering with family members over trivial issues traced back to a Labour Party member and a belief everything was a mandate for Scottish Independence after receipt of SNP blood. No reactions were recorded from anyone receiving Liberal Democrat supporter blood, mainly because no-one would admit to being a member of the party.

Big business pens open letter to Johnson over 'Freedom Day' postponement

A group of super rich businessmen and women has written an open letter to Boris Johnson, expressing fury at yesterday's climbdown, in not granting England its long-awaited 'Freedom Day'.

One magnate said: 'Is this the bulldog spirit? Can we allow what is clearly the greatest country in the world to be held to ransom by some sneaky underhand nasty foreign bug?'

'And don't talk to me about suffering. I have personally lost millions of pounds worth of value from my companies, leaving me with only a few billion in the bank. How am I to make ends meet? I'm facing ruin here.'

While another complained. 'It might seem like our group is motivated purely by colossal greed for monstrously massive self gains. It could perhaps appear that we're quite happy to play Russian Roulette with the lives of our workforces.'

'Well, perish the thought. Nothing could be further from the truth. You can certainly trust me on that score too. What's more, I am thinking very seriously of implementing the minimum wage across all my business, as well as abolishing zero hours contracts too.'

Meanwhile the former 'Quiet Man' of politics, Iain Duncan Smith, is said to be enraged by the PM's capitulation in the face of the overwhelming medical advice and evidence. An insider said that IDS was "going to jolly well do something about it" assuming he can find anyone of importance, influence or clout prepared to listen to him.

'Selfless generosity' as vaccine leftovers to go to poor instead of the bin

In an act of selfless generosity the world's richest countries have decided to donate their unwanted, leftover vaccines to poor countries instead of just binning them.

This selfless act will of course come after all men, women, children, dogs, cats and hamsters have received at least three doses of the vaccine at which point the world's poorest can have a go at protecting their elderly and vulnerable.

Kindness and sacrifice on this scale will surely bode well for any future discussions with poorer nations around climate change targets, explains Boris Johnson: 'What more proof is needed that we are all in it together?'

Poorer nations are yet to comment as they are a little busy trying to stop people dying, stop the virus spreading and prop up their inadequate healthcare systems.