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Newsbiscuit - Best of October 2024


October 2024


After all that stuff about a fiscal black hole, and the winter fuel payment thing, there was considerable anxiety about the Budget. Sound familiar? Rachel Reeves delivered her budget on October 30th and whacked businesses with big rises in National Insurance and minimum wage costs. Still, at least she didn’t break any manifesto commitments. Kind of. The Conservatives continued to grind through a leadership election process, hampered by the complete lack of any decent candidates. Just think, back then Robert Jenrick was still considered middle of the road.


In the US, presidential candidate Kamala Harris (remember her?} released her medical records. And Donald Trump continued to not release his.


In entertainment news, Jeremy Clarkson had a cardiac thingy, and had to go to the NHS. Turns out, he does have a heart. Who knew? In sporting news, female pensioners were aghast at Wimbledon’s plans to remove their eye candy, and replace line judges with Hawkeye. No, not the guy from M*A*S*H.


Here is a selection of the top Newsbiscuit stories from October 2024. Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


UK politics



US and world politics



Jeremy Clarkson



Other news



Headlines - politics


Lettuce makes late bid for Tory leadership

Burning rubbish overtakes politics as dirtiest form of power

After attacking UN, Israel to start stomping on kittens

Gen Z and Gen Alpha reject GenRick

Special episode of Little Britain to feature Badenoch & Jenrick

Starmer: I won't raise taxes for working people... but Rachel will...

'Feels like 14 years already' says Starmer

All of Starmer's decisions so far described as complete no-brainers

Strange drone over the Pentagon revealed to be a broadcast of Keir Starmer’s speech

Tory party lumbered with choice between two Liz-Truss-calibre leadership candidates


...more headlines...


Are you wasting your time online? Take our quiz to find out

Barefoot man finally realises Socktober is not a thing

Charity regrets its slogan 'Let's help bone cancer patients'

Are transparent urns the future? Remains to be seen

Local selling Cuban food, drink and cigars becomes Castro pub

Elderly nuns to star in action movie Old Habits Die Hard

Local dog-sitter flattened hundreds of pups

Man with a chip on his shoulder attacked by seagulls


...and some more...


Woman who wants to have her cake and eat it buys two cakes

Man who ‘always goes the extra mile’ sacked from taxi driver job

Man who fights fire with fire sacked from the Fire Service

Printer admits it hasn’t run out of ink, it’s just taking the p!ss

Where to look to see the comet passing by for the first time in 800,000 years. Up.

London Eye 'on the blink'

Hawk-Eye to replace line judges? You can NOT be serious!!

Man enters 11th hour of 5-minute DIY task


Jeremy Corbyn splits in half


Firebrand left-winger Jeremy Corbyn, having run out of other people to split from, has now split himself in half.


Having split from Zarah Sultana, co-leader of the People’s Front of Islington, a party they both formed when they split from Labour, Corbyn said he noticed a strange tremor passing through his body. Once it had passed, he saw that he was now two people, who were of course bitterly opposed to each other.


In a scene many have described as reminiscent of Gollum in Lord of the Rings, he then proceeded to argue with himself.


“It’s alright, I’ll found a new party with my friends.'


'You don’t have any friends! Except Hamas, of course.'


'Maybe I’ll go and dig the allotment and think things over.'


'Oh that’s right, just walk away from the mess you’ve made, as usual…'


He then mumbled something about needing to get back “the precious', by which he is thought to mean the means of production, distribution and exchange.


His alter-ego then taunted him he’d even split from Diane Abbott, to which he replied that he was never going to regret that.


He finally made a public statement admitting that rather than 'Your Party' it had turned out to be just his party, since he’s the only remaining member.


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