Boat Race Betting (and Pooping) Guide

The 2024 Oxford versus Cambridge University Boat Race was predicted to be a sluggish affair. Both crews had prepared well for this year's row, bringing their own nose pegs. Or earplugs, depending on how you just read the word 'row'.

Those watching from bridges over the Thames were distracted by an endless game of pooh-sticks, all of the countless vessels made from real, genuine poo. As expected, Cambridge pushed out hard, but in a considerably more thrilling race than usual, the winner was a turd from Luton College.

Organisers of the race said, 'Yet another great tradition has been ruined by @rseholes from Oxbridge. In future, the event will be renamed the University Floater Race.'

Here is Newsbiscuit's unofficial betting guide to the 2024 Boat Race:

Oxford Win 7-5

Cambridge Win 7-5

Cambridge team turn up late due to Easter Bank Holiday traffic 15-1

Arrival of dolphin pod delays start of race 750-1

Angry swan breaks arm (either) of Cambridge Cockswain 300-1

Rowers (at least three) contract fulminant dose of E. coli 5-1

Rowers (at least one) contract Weil's disease 25-1

Luton College Win 5,000-1

Oxford's Ukrainian Cockswain killed in Russian drone attack 85,000,000-1

Hammersmith Bridge destroyed due to collision 100,500,000-1

Please gamble responsibly with your investors' cryptocurrency.

Authors: SteveB, Ashbery

Image: Nick Fewings (@jannerboy62) | Unsplash Photo Community

Beach pebble amnesty goes horribly wrong

It seemed a good idea. Many people who visit Chesil Beach take home a pebble or two as a souvenir. Over time this significantly weakens the flood defences and threatens the local habitat. So the Environment Agency offered an amnesty to anyone returning pebbles to the beach, telling them that there would be no fines or further action.

What actually happened was a nightmare.

A spokesman said, 'We’ve had lorryloads of rubble dumped on Chesil Beach. Most of the stones were not from Chesil Beach in the first place, and the brickwork, reinforced concrete, asbestos and steel girders definitely didn’t originate from here.'

The member staff who came up with the scheme has been redeployed to Chesil Beach and will stay there until he has cleared up the mess. He will also have to repay a staff suggestion scheme award of £50.

Image: Ethan Z (@ezhu430) | Unsplash Photo Community

Help out in the Great British Turdwatch

'We would like everyone with an hour to spare this weekend to take part in a useful and enjoyable environmental survey called the Great British Turdwatch, said a spokesman for Least Effort, Narrowly Avoiding Prosecution - the industry association for the UK's water companies.

'Just spend 60 minutes taking a walk along a beach or a riverbank near you, or go surfing in the sea, and count the pieces of untreated waste matter that you step in, see floating past you, or swallow.

'Then send your results to us. In the best traditions of turdwatching, you should identify the nature of the excrement you encountered by detailing general impression, size and shape.

'We will collate all your contributions and then keep the results a corporate secret.

'However, we can confidently predict that high performers in the 2024 Turdwatch will be those traditionally turd-rich environments - the lower Thames, Portsmouth, Blackpool and Newquay in Cornwall.

"And don't forget - for every piece of effluent you report we will be adding £10 to your water bill. It's up to you how much of the truth you dare to tell us."