CEO of Thames Water explains why it's all your fault

'Mainly people just don't want water anymore, it's a luxury item now and they just don’t need it, like houses. It’s also youths, that Gen Millennial lot, they just spend all their money on avocado flavoured A.I. H20 now. Kids just download pirate water of the deep dark web.

'Most of our money goes on fines so it is actually also the regulators’ fault. It’s also meddling and bureaucratic red tape from Brussels and the police with “Safety” rules and “please reduce the amount of floating turds in drinking water”. Political correctness gone mad.

'Water is not easy to look after, do you think this stuff just falls from the sky? It's hard this water stuff, no hold on that's just ice. You've got to get two hydrogen atoms for every oxygen one, it’s a logistical nightmare.

'Luckily there is a bright side, my bonus targets were mostly met. Like attending at least 4 meetings a month and spelling Tems Wartur correctly. Maybe I didn’t get that one this year…

'What we need is a 40% increase in our bonuses....I mean in the customers’ bills, otherwise the rivers will just be full of sewage, that would be awful wouldn't it? We have tried putting loads of holes in the pipes to let the sewage out, but it appears that made things a lot worse. To be honest, I have no idea how all this works, I was in charge of Southern Rail before this, and I raked it in there.'

Photo by S. Laiba Ali on Unsplash

Midlands Water - I’ll see your shit and raise you cyanide

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Boat Race Betting (and Pooping) Guide

The 2024 Oxford versus Cambridge University Boat Race was predicted to be a sluggish affair. Both crews had prepared well for this year's row, bringing their own nose pegs. Or earplugs, depending on how you just read the word 'row'.

Those watching from bridges over the Thames were distracted by an endless game of pooh-sticks, all of the countless vessels made from real, genuine poo. As expected, Cambridge pushed out hard, but in a considerably more thrilling race than usual, the winner was a turd from Luton College.

Organisers of the race said, 'Yet another great tradition has been ruined by @rseholes from Oxbridge. In future, the event will be renamed the University Floater Race.'

Here is Newsbiscuit's unofficial betting guide to the 2024 Boat Race:

Oxford Win 7-5

Cambridge Win 7-5

Cambridge team turn up late due to Easter Bank Holiday traffic 15-1

Arrival of dolphin pod delays start of race 750-1

Angry swan breaks arm (either) of Cambridge Cockswain 300-1

Rowers (at least three) contract fulminant dose of E. coli 5-1

Rowers (at least one) contract Weil's disease 25-1

Luton College Win 5,000-1

Oxford's Ukrainian Cockswain killed in Russian drone attack 85,000,000-1

Hammersmith Bridge destroyed due to collision 100,500,000-1

Please gamble responsibly with your investors' cryptocurrency.

Authors: SteveB, Ashbery

Image: Nick Fewings (@jannerboy62) | Unsplash Photo Community