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'Festival of Thatcher' to charge entry inverse to people's wealth

Updated: Jun 6


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It has been announced that that the recently announced Margaret Thatcher Centenary event, due to take place in the former Prime Minister's hometown in October, will charge an entry fee inverse to how much money a person actually has.


"It's really quite simple" said one of the 'Festival of Thatcher' organisers "the poorer you are, the more you have to pay. It's exactly what Mrs Thatcher, bless her soul, would have wanted. We really wanted to pull out all the stops to mark 100 years since her birth, and this seems like the perfect way."


"For instance, if you're on benefits and want to come along it'll be £250 to get in each, and that's with no child rates. For the slighty more well off it'd be £100, if you're an executive in a well paying job £25, if you're Jacob Rees-Mogg you'd only have to pay £10 for a family ticket and if you just happened to be a billionaire hedge-fund manager you'll get in for free and also receive a souvenir bag!" 


Although not all of the events have been announced they are expected to include such attractions including games (including Sink the Belgrano and Dunk the Miner), stalls selling various Thatcher memorabilia starting at only £500 and finally the unveiling of a solid gold statue of the Iron Lady charged exclusively to the taxpayer.


"We're all very excited and everyone wants to do their part" said one local "One of my mates is dressing up as John Sergeant and letting people interrupt him and have their staff shove him out of the way."


image from pixabay

author: Garibaldi


Government introduces new P.O.O.R. tax.


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As rising prices make even basic necessities unaffordable to anyone on a low income, the government has announced plans for a new ‘Purchase Of Ordinary Requisites’ (P.O.O.R.) tax, which will add 100% to the cost of many everyday items. A government spokesb@stard said, “There seems to be some confusion among those on low pay, which leads them to believe that despite their reluctance to earn a decent wage, they should still be entitled to a basic standard of living. This new tax will make life easier for them, by making it obvious that they must do without certain items if they are too lazy to earn enough money to pay for them.” Some of the items which will be subject to the new 100% P.O.O.R. tax are: Cheese: This used to be considered as an affordable basic foodstuff, but the price of cheese has rocketed in recent months. Traditionally, cheese was an essential ingredient of a Ploughman’s Lunch, but with the addition of the P.O.O.R. tax to the already high price of cheese, ploughmen and other agricultural labourers will have to make do with nothing but a thin scraping of cheap margarine on their sandwiches. The government advises those who cannot afford cheese to eat cake, although a small allowance of Dairylea is being considered for anyone who is willing to pick fruit. Energy: The government believes that poor people don’t need gas or electricity, reasoning that if they can’t afford to buy food, they won’t need to use energy for cooking. As lack of food causes low blood sugar which leads to symptoms such as sweating, they won’t need energy for heating, either. Holidays: The government regards holidays as an unnecessary extravagance for anyone who isn’t a Tory MP. Even a rainy weekend in a caravan in Skegness is too much of a luxury for minimum wage earning plebs. Housing: Rising mortgage interest rates and high rents are making it too expensive for many people to afford a home. The government advises those who don’t earn enough to keep a roof over their head to live in a tent. Unfortunately, as tents are classed as an item which could be used on a camping holiday, they will be subject to the 100% P.O.O.R. tax which applies to holidays. Just in case the P.O.O.R. tax doesn’t succeed in making those who are already struggling financially totally miserable, the government is also planning to employ ‘Sunshine, Mirth, Infectious Laughter and Enjoyment’ (S.M.I.L.E.) Wardens, who will impose on-the-spot fines on anyone on a low income who still looks happy.



First published 30 May 2023



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Government passes emergency law to prevent poor people inhaling calories off the top of cake


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The government has acted swiftly and decisively on the number one priority facing Brits, by whipping the cream out of Tory MPs to pass emergency cake laws.


A government spokes-smirker announced almost solemnly, 'What we absolutely have to ensure is that poor people are not receiving free luxuriant aromas above their station. Even more than this, we simply can't have paupers inhaling calories they haven't paid for. Should a cake be so unfortunate as to find itself in the vicinity of a mendicant, it must be protected from having its heavenly ambience experienced.


'That is why this government has moved instantly to protect the rights of cakes and the owners of cakes. Any person of meagre means finding themselves able to smell cake, must immediately make their way to a place where only excrement can be smelt. Failure to do so will result in a £20,000 on-the-spot fine, even if they are wholly within their usual place of residence.


'And anyone suspected of inadvertently inhaling calories off the top of cake, must immediately return those calories, or have their nostrils expelled to Rwanda.


'Enquiries from the bothersome have sought to ascertain who we classify as poor people. It is clearly defined as all those not preferred for the government procurement VIP lane. Or as we like to call ourselves, The Circle of Thrust.'


First published 22 May 2022



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