Budget has something for everyone, says Sunak

The chancellor was quick to defend his Spring budget today saying it had something for absolutely everyone.

'As always, most of the measures in my budget will benefit the richest most. But I haven't forgotten everyone else. The squeezed middle will be squeezed again, and the most needy in society - well they'll get something too - increased debt, minimal increases in benefits, and the biggest fall in living standards for a couple of generations'.

'And don't forget the annual conundrum I've gifted to the most vulnerable in society once again - how are they going to make ends meet?'.

Image: Pixabay/csamhamer

Chancellor sticks knife into 99% of population again because, well, it's just muscle memory reflex

During Wednesday's budget statement Rishi Sunak promised the nation that he had done absolutely everything to ensure absolutely everyone continues to be as fabulously wealthy as him.

In what is being called a masterstroke of fiscal policy which only the Conservative party has the economic understanding to conjure up, the Chancellor of the Exchequer pushed the event horizon boundaries of generosity. Regardless of economic status, every person in the UK is to receive a limp gherkin and two mouldy pickled onions.

Despite wide support and raucous cheers which sounded exactly like guffawing from the Tory back benches, the Institute for Fiscal Responsibility Yet Wholly Inappropriate Facial Expressions murmured something yawn. 'The Chancellor's new budgetary innovations won't be made available for two years, and beyond that each gherkin will be excruciatingly shat out over a period of twenty fiscal quarters.'

On a perkier note, the Office of Budget Actually Even More Crappy Than it Seems said that it quite liked the name Pishi Rishi had come up with for his economy revival plans. 'Most people won't bother considering the appalling numbers and just coo over it being called Eat Out at Food Banks to Help Out.'

Image: Pixabay: stevepb

Poorest 50% of planet 'likely to achieve COP26 targets'

A report that the top 1% of earners are likely to exceed the COP26 climate targets has been countered by the observation that the 50% of the poorest people on the planet are 'very unlikely' to exceed emission limits is seen as progress.

'Clearly wealth is a barrier to achieving our goal of stopping climate change,' said a government spokesperson today, 'so if the government continues to ensure the majority of the UK has a declining income then we are likely to achieve the net zero targets earlier.

' Of course there will be the pesky 1% who are likely to increase their wealth through government contracts, but we can carbon offset them', continued the spokesperson. Or as the Prime Minister likes to refer to the pesky 1%..... us.''

Image: Pixabay:jodylehigh

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