Post Office to reduce prison deliveries to only three times a week

'Acting on a recommendation from Ofcom, we will be reducing our deliveries of innocent sub-postmasters to jail down to three times a week,' a Post Office spokes-stamp told reporters.

'I know this may inconvenience some people, such as lawyers, who have been earning themselves a fortune over the past two decades by getting blameless Post Office franchisees put away on every day except Sunday.

'However, the costs of continuing a six-day-a-week, nationwide imprisonment operation are untenable.

'So if you are the kind of sadistic Nazis - or "lawyers", as we call them - who want to see their friendly local sub-postmaster behind bars, you'll just have to wait an extra couple of days for your vile wishes to be fulfilled.'

Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash

Royal Mail considers making less frequent deliveries

Divine worship with the Reverend Paula Vennells

Order of service:

The non-stipendary priest for St Owen, Bromham, Reverend Paula Vennells, will proceed up the aisle followed by a choir of Post Office lawyers clutching handcuffs and flasks of strychnine.

Vennells: Peace be with you.

All: And also with you.

Vennells: We'll see about that. We're going to start off by taking the collection, and I'm warning you thieving worms - if there's a shortfall, you're all going to prison.

While the collection is taken, a hymn may be sung or lawyers for the Post Office may issue writs to the congregation.

Vennells: The computer says there's not enough dosh on the plate. You're in trouble now.

All: The computer system must be faulty. They often are, you know - especially the ones the government buys.

Vennells: The next person who says that spends 25 years in solitary confinement.

Choir: Don't get her angry. You wouldn't like her when she's angry.

Vennells: I'm not angry. I'm just disappointed.

Choir: All kneel, so we can kick you in the teeth.

During the prosecutions, the congregation will come forward to be financially disembowelled and have their reputations shredded. Appeals may be lodged or articles printed in the media, all of which the authorities will ignore.

Vennells: Depart in pieces, you miserable sinners. By the way: did you know they were actually thinking of making me Bishop of London?

Image: Pixabay/ Alexas_fotos