Order of service:
The non-stipendary priest for St Owen, Bromham, Reverend Paula Vennells, will proceed up the aisle followed by a choir of Post Office lawyers clutching handcuffs and flasks of strychnine.
Vennells: Peace be with you.
All: And also with you.
Vennells: We'll see about that. We're going to start off by taking the collection, and I'm warning you thieving worms - if there's a shortfall, you're all going to prison.
While the collection is taken, a hymn may be sung or lawyers for the Post Office may issue writs to the congregation.
Vennells: The computer says there's not enough dosh on the plate. You're in trouble now.
All: The computer system must be faulty. They often are, you know - especially the ones the government buys.
Vennells: The next person who says that spends 25 years in solitary confinement.
Choir: Don't get her angry. You wouldn't like her when she's angry.
Vennells: I'm not angry. I'm just disappointed.
Choir: All kneel, so we can kick you in the teeth.
During the prosecutions, the congregation will come forward to be financially disembowelled and have their reputations shredded. Appeals may be lodged or articles printed in the media, all of which the authorities will ignore.
Vennells: Depart in pieces, you miserable sinners. By the way: did you know they were actually thinking of making me Bishop of London?