Courier company achieves ultimate goal of not existing at all

In a crowded and highly competitive field, courier company VERI (USELESS) has achieved the ultimate accolade of seeming not to exist at all.

“I was waiting in for a parcel, which the vendor told me would come today,” said frustrated consumer Dave Sandwich. “Then I get an email saying they’d tried to deliver it but I wasn’t home. Not even a card through the letterbox. I don’t reckon anyone ever came here.”

He tried to contact VERI via its website, only to be fobbed off with a chatbot that couldn’t do anything to help, and didn’t even recognise the tracking number they gave him in the email. 

“So I tried the helpline number, only to find it was just a recording. The website shows a picture of a smiling girl wearing a headset, but I can’t imagine who she is since no one seems to work there at all.

”I reckon the whole company consists of a telephone answering machine and a website deliberately designed to send you round in circles until you give up.”

Records at Companies House list the sole director and employee of VERI as Sarah Connor, showing that whoever set the company up at least has a sense of humour, though frankly describing it as a courier was enough to prove that.

image from pixabay

No one left to replace Ed Davey as Lib Dem leader

A move to demand the resignation of Sir Ed Davey as leader of the Liberal Democrats, on the grounds that he was postal affairs minister for two years during the Horizon/subpostmasters scandal, has foundered on the realisation that there’s literally no one to replace him.

”It’s true,” admitted a Lib Dem spokesman. “Every Lib Dem you’ve ever heard of has already been leader of the party. There’s just no one left.

”We thought for a moment about that smiley woman who’s MP for Brighton, Caroline something... but then someone remembered she’s actually in the Green Party. I always get them confused with us.”

The spokesman was asked whether he wouldn’t fancy giving the leadership a go himself, but it turned out he was Tim Farron, who’d already been party leader from 2015-17. (The reporter later commented “No wonder I didn’t recognise him.”)

This left no one to ask but the lady who works in the canteen, who looked awkward for a moment, then said “Look, I’m more than happy to work here, but to be honest I’ve always voted Labour. Now stop bothering me, or I’ll never get these vegan quiches finished in time.”

image from pixabay

Subpostmasters advised to “pay extra to guarantee receiving compensation”

Subpostmasters who were wrongly accused of embezzlement because of a flaw in the Horizon computer system, have been told they can guarantee getting their compensation sooner by making an extra payment.

“it’s not compulsory, of course,” said a spokesman for the Post Office. “You can just sit tight, secure in the knowledge that you’ll probably receive it. Eventually.

“But given the amount of money involved, we do recommend paying extra for a secure method. That way it’ll also be insured.”

One subpostmaster complained that despite paying a fortune to get his compensation the next day, all he got was a card through his letterbox.

”I was sitting there in silence, alert for the slightest noise of footsteps on the garden path. Yet somehow, when I got up to put the kettle on, there was a card on the mat saying ‘Sorry we missed you’. These people are bloody ninjas.

“And the card tells me to go to an office that’s ten miles away, not on any bus routes, and not open on any of the days I’m not working.”

image from pixabay